There have been many thoughts and things I had wished to write about, but many times I felt that I haven’t completely thought things through in a thorough manner. I would rather not write something in haste. Other times, I simply do not know how to broach a subject in these tense times, especially with emotions running high, I may come across the wrong way.

It is so easy to jump the gun, to post a black square on my Instagram, to send links to everyone to support businesses from a certain people, or to air my views about politics, politicians, to criticise the behaviour of someone. I prefer to mull over things for a while. I want to take time to think independently, gather the facts, perhaps investigate other viewpoints to gain a different perspective. I guess that’s why I’ve always been somewhat of a researcher, and thus viola this blog came into fruition.

On the contrary to what some may believe, I feel strongly about the recent events and it has made me upset, and I have even felt anger. However, I chose not to act brashly. I also feel that one should be careful discussing things out of context (by tweeting/posting). The most elegant solution was thus to not publicly discuss them, except to some close friends and family (if, at all).

After much thought, I’ve noticed some rather vulgar behaviours that have become mainstream and I thought about how can one properly behave and act correctly in the wake of the emerging ‘woke’ culture. Too many voices telling us what to do, and how can we navigate this like a cultivated person?

FREEDOM OF SPEECH

These days, it is a lot easier for any one to air their concerns and speak up. You don’t need to be a newscaster, the Queen, or anyone famous to have an audience. With social media, you might even reach an audience you would have never been able to if you were born 50 years earlier, and reach more people you could have ever imagined if your posts went viral.

And because of that, it is also much easier to criticise someone and let that person know that you are criticising her. (Thus those comments and emails to me when I chose to be silent over certain issues). In the past, if I saw a questionable advertisement, I would just mention in passing to my bestfriend, or perhaps write a letter of complaint to the company. Whether or not the company chose to read them, I may never know. These days, you can definitely made your voice heard!

And that results in the massive amount of voices heard these days. Everyone has an opinion. And everyone wants their opinion to be heard. And then comments about that opinion follows which can turn into lively discussion and also many unnecessary arguments which lead to more sinister things.

I believe in the freedom of speech. However that does not constitute being rude. And one shouldn’t abuse this freedom to simply say whatever they simply like. In order for true freedom of speech, one has to have mutual respect for other people’s convictions especially if they are different from your own! To force your opinion on others or worse, force others to do what you want them to do (even if it is to post a black picture on Instagram) is actually being aggressive, quite violent and very rude. Don’t assume how others think or feel. Freedom of speech also means they can choose to be silent. Even if you strongly oppose their opinion or their choice to be silent, still always respect their beliefs & convictions.

INTOLERANCE & CANCEL CULTURE

There were some dramatic people who wrote to me telling they are disappointed that I did not do this or that for elegantwoman.org, I didn’t make a stand so on and so forth. And therefore they have unfollowed me, unsubscribed etc. First of all, I don’t think it’s right to tell anyone what to do! Isn’t that absurd, you don’t even know me, you just read my blog, and who do you think you are to tell me what to do? Just move along, while I do have books & things for sale on my site, they don’t even cover the costs of running this site, which I’ve done mainly as a project out of love. I say this in the gentlest possible way. I’m not here to compete with any influencer or blogger, in fact I shy away from even putting my heart out here, it’s just who I am. It takes me a lot to write and share.

I see a lot of INTOLERANCE, and sometimes I do worry about the young people growing up with social media. It is so easy to NOT tolerate differences and indulge. Even if you think so-and-so shouldn’t have done xx thing or said yy thing, let it go. The egoistic types would to relate everything to themselves, “I wouldn’t do this…” (And so? You are not them. Maybe be thankful for that). I don’t see why we should criticise someone publicly who has said something controversial or go after them with cancel culture. It is your right to withdraw support but to cancel everything, go further and ruin their jobs, family and future? Why is there this strong need to punish when we are neither God or the law? Perhaps social media gives people a sense of overinflated self-importance and a sense of power.

This intolerance and cancel culture is ruining the authenticity of stories, writers, movie makers – some of them who simply want to tell a story the way it happened in their head. Now they have to try to squeeze in ‘representation’ into their stories just to appease the public. Every movie has to have a token xx, yy, a person of certain orientation etc etc. How sad when original stories or even HISTORY have to be altered just for this.

It is just normal to not 100% wholly agree with a person. It is also normal to feel strong emotions for justice. It is also very normal to be a little apprehensive of someone who is different, or from a culture you know little of. It is simply impossible to know everything and that fear, or hesitation is a normal thing. Such feelings always will exist, whether you admit it or not. But how you choose to act in response, that is based on your character and values. It is also through education, etiquette that we can increase our awareness in order to be kind and fair to everyone.

I shall risk diving into the deep end and share some examples IN MY OPINION ONLY – PLEASE TOLERATE. I personally find it absurd that a certain beauty company decided they would remove “Fair & Lovely” on their whitening products, due to the recent outcry and cancel culture. But what if I want to be fair because that skin tone just suits me? It is, afterall, a whitening product. Why take out that slogan? I’m not implying that you can’t be “Sunkissed & Lovely”. And I know women from both ends of the Spectrum, those that wants to be fair & lovely and others who want to be sun-kissed & lovely.

In another instance, I curate @elegant.woman on Instagram based on what I like. I happen to really like the KOREAN make up look & some of their style. So I feature KOREAN/ASIAN models quite regularly because it is what inspires me. No one commented on that before until recently when certain issues were all that rage. I may sometimes feature other women/models of non-asian skin, but I don’t post things with the mindset of “Oh, the feed is too ORANGE, I need to add some GRAY & RED in there for a wider “REPRESENTATION”. If you need inspiration from GREY & RED, there are a tonne GREY & RED accounts out there in social media. Go follow them! In fact, you can still follow me too. It is not mutually exclusive. Forcing me to fit your desires is such appalling controlling behaviour. If I just pander to everyone, then elegantwoman wouldn’t be authentic any longer, because I’m catering to people’s whims instead of being true to myself.

Do you really want inauthenticity? Let the freedom of speech & choices happen for everyone. If slightly inauthentic but wider representation, so be it and if that’s what you’re into. Let everyone choose freely, as you would like to choose yourself. There’s a time and place for everything. Let everyone be who they are, their feed can be completely PURPLE, it just doesn’t have to be mine. And even if you think I should have more representation, that is your opinion, but could you just kindly tolerate me?

MANNERS PREVAILS

Let’s take a look a polite society.

My friend, A, who married a Japanese woman and currently lives in Japan, became so fluent in Japanese, such that the Japanese locals often mistook him for being Japanese. However, because he did not grow up in Japanese culture, he often makes his in-laws worried at gatherings (such as weddings) when he engages others in conversation. According to them, he ‘too freely airs his opinions’, to the point where they quickly explain and almost apologetically to everyone that “Oh, he’s not Japanese”. A is not an opinionated guy. He is a regular, very intelligent guy whom I love having conversations with because his opinions & thoughts are something I would be very interested in. To him, he is just having regular conversation and even then, it is too much for Japanese culture. Why? They value cohesiveness and is always worried to offend. So they rather not air any strong opinions (or if any) at all.

It is also a long-standing fact that the monarchy of the UK – the world’s most famous royal family – does not get involved in politics. I believe they, like us, share views & opinions on political matters, who should or should not be president etc. But they mostly choose to remain neutral publicly and will welcome any President visiting. Why do you think it is so? I believe it is etiquette, something I hope will continue to prevail and set an example for us all. I get so turned off when celebrities try to get all political or post things that rile up people’s emotions (are you nonchalantly contributing to the madness?). To the celebrities: “What are you doing? How irresponsible of you, the one who has millions of followers? Don’t assume everyone can understand fully what you’re saying by one post? And who do you think you are? You are famous because you act and sing and host and say funny things. You are not famous because you are the voice of reason.” I was absolutely horrified.

HUMILITY

Now I’m not saying that one should keep mum on such matters at all costs. It is one’s choice. I mainly choose to do so, because I get so awkward and sensitive … I find it so hard to navigate conversations especially when my friends, perhaps unintentionally, choose to impose their political opinions on me. If you enjoy lively discussions, and can do so eloquently without offence or imposing your opinion, sure, go right ahead. The French, who also highly values etiquette, manages to do this well. They enjoy lively debates which are deemed as interesting conversations.

I also notice a trend where everyone wants share absolutely everything that it’s over-sharing. They share what they had for lunch, workplace frustrations, their emotions, thoughts, opinions publicly (or to their followers). They expect others to share at that level too. That is so common place, it bothers me. I think privacy is important for your mental health. We need room to work things out, to make blunders and grow in private. Have you ever wonder why do people share or over share? It is one thing to simply fulfil the need to express oneself, and another to assume that anyone is interested in what you have to say. I think there is a place for everything, and while you may or may not have a huge influence, everyone has an influence on somebody. One has to be careful on how she should use that influence, bearing in mind that some unnecessary sharing (broadcasts) may just be noise.

This oversharing, hating, raging, triggered, acting brashly on social media is being irresponsible with the influence you have. Perhaps it has indeed gotten the attention to your supposedly passionate causes, but it has also instigated unrest, riots and other behaviours that actually do not contribute in any positive way to society. I think one should carefully consider that before “airing your views freely” ( in the words of my friend’s Japanese in-laws).

I’m sometimes a little taken aback to see so much emotion online. You can find posts of bliss, sadness, low-self-esteem, anger, rage, despair etc. I’m not even born in the 50s but that makes me uncomfortable. In those days, it is considered good etiquette to be mild-mannered, and not to show too much emotion in the extremes. To show you are angry is to have lost control of one’s self, and that is not looked upon favourably. Likewise, it is frowned upon to be extremely excited and unable to contain yourself. I never quite understood this etiquette then, but I’m starting to see why now. How you behave, what you say affects others in more ways than you might realise, so thus, having manners is to be contained, filter and keep somethings to yourself!

In modern times, we have a sharing culture. I do it too. I also have to ask myself honestly – why do I feel the need to share this? Am I doing it to feel better about myself? Will anyone care? Why do I have to wish someone on Facebook publicly when I can simply send a personal message? Will that person enjoy the broadcast? I think sometimes we overestimate how much others care about what we say (i.e. post, publish, broadcast). One YouTuber inspired me and made me laugh for days when he said, “I’m a nobody. I’m just a guy from Southern-California. Nobody cares about me.” It was a comment in passing, just showing that he’s an ordinary guy, and not from a prominent family, and even that issue (which he was discussing) did not bypass him. Firstly, it made me laugh so much with the description of himself. However it also left such an impact on me that I will remember it forever! He was humble by just admitting he was just an ordinary guy, yet he said it not to get pity, but in a secure and confident way. He was so authentic. And so I now say that to myself too with a big smile on my face… who am I? Why do I have to say this? Do I think by commenting on these political opinions, I may actually have the power to sway votes? Hmmmm…

To conclude, let the more important matters prevail such as kindness & consideration, tolerance of differences, freedom, manners, and mutual respect. Let’s acknowledge that your neighbour is not the same, celebrate the differences, respect their choices and if they are in need, help them anyway.

The home is your dwelling place. It is your physical protection from the world. There is no other feeling that coming back home after a stressful day. The home also acts like an anchor and refuge. It is where you feel safe.  You probably live with the people you feel closest to, and houses all your possessions.

The past few years of my family and personal life have been rather turbulent and busy. I was teaching, involved in several projects and also running the family business.

Without being completely aware, I found myself in a very busy place. I felt like I have neglected my home, the elegant living dwelling space that I had once so lovingly curated.  While it is not in a complete disarray, I had let clutter accumulate in certain areas of the house, such as my bedroom, my office/workroom and the kitchen. Disorganization has taken over.

Though on the outside, I still see my beautiful home.I felt as though I was hiding a secret. It also felt like a ticking bomb that might soon explode (into chaos literally). Deep down, I knew it is not the way I wanted to live and I wasn’t comfortable with the stress it is subtly causing. I dislike subjecting my family living like this EVEN MORE.

I attempted to rectify this, albeit weakly as I couldn’t afford the time and mental space. If I tried to organize a shelf, a pile of mess would lay for several weeks before I had the capacity to deal with it again. I turned to books to help me and over the years, I’ve read

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing and

Sink Reflections: Overwhelmed? Disorganized? Living in Chaos? and

The CHAOS Cure: Clean Your House and Calm Your Soul in 15 Minutes.

While these books are great at helping me create some sort of structure and system, I felt I needed a greater set of ‘elegant principles’ to solidify my resolve.

I thought I’ll share them with you.

ELEGANT PRINCIPLES OF AN ELEGANT HOME

• The home should be given a high importance, thus high priority in your life

It is place when I can call my own, my comfort and refuge, where I can be myself the most. It should be somewhere that brings me peace and rest, good sleep, health… a place where I can recharge, love and be happy. I should make more of an effort to ensure my home blesses us.

• Make the home of quality, comfort and beauty within your income

Because beauty & elegance is something that I enjoy, this should translate into the way my home is as well. When I go to a place that has beautiful and elegant furnishings or decor, I naturally want to take a picture of it. I probably stare at its surroundings a little longer, relishing it in. The home should be no different. I should make an effort to create a home of beauty that will ignite my sense of pride in the home. As the principles of elegance goes, quality is of high priority, choosing furnishings & objects of the home of with a mindset of using it and keeping it for a long time. Also you and your family/children will learn and be accustomed to high quality and good taste.

• Spacious & near nature

If you live in a big city like me, this can be a challenge. If you could choose, prioritise a bit more space than less, as much as you can afford and hopefully near nature or a park. I think we are actually wired to be in touch with nature and experience less stress and more peace when we do so. If this is not part of your circumstance, have some pictures of nature in your home and have some plants. Also, make an effort to go outdoors to a park every now and then.

For some, creating an elegant home is exciting because it is about decorating elegantly. While I’ll love that too, but I won’t be going into that because this article is about creating a home, and decorating is only a small aspect. I wrote a little about elegant decorating some years back and you may read it there.

For the next section, I will writing a little bit of creating the home in view of family members, whether you live with immediate or extended family or adopted family members (friends, housemates, roommates). A home largely consists of people living in it so that is why I decided to include this section.

• Ensure that you and each of your family member have a place of their own

Whether you share a room with your sister, husband, aging mother etc (I know everyone’s circumstance is different), everyone needs a place they can call their own. If you’re fortunate, it can be your own room, or a small corner of the house. For children, they can have part of a shelf, or a treasure chest. In this area, you should be allowed to decorate as however you see fit, a place to express & indulge yourself, to have privacy and away from judgement and opinions of others. This privacy should be respected and not invaded. Hopefully this area, is a place where you can be alone and away from the family. We all need some timeout and somewhere to go and be alone sometimes.

• Make it a priority to live in a house that is clean and organized.

I’ll be first to admit that I’m not a natural at this, but most important thing is not perfection but to try and not give up (or give in). I won’t be going into detail about how to do this, but there is a lot of help out there, such as the recent Marie Kondo method that went viral on social media. Flylady is someone I go to from time to time, because she has such a loving and encouraging voice to teach us how to let go of clutter. I’m not sure how they feel about elegance, but their methods are functional.

As for me, just to share on my personal experience, I have some habits that create both convenience and inconvenience. I tend to stock up on my favourite products. I prefer that because I don’t enjoy going out to the shops just to replace one thing, such as my mascara. However, I have to learn to store them properly and also not to buy too much.

I also recognize I go through seasons. I can’t be that person that survives on relatively the same stuff for years and years. I applaud and admire those who can. I have my classic items of course, but I need inspiration and change every now and then, in terms of what I use or eat. So if they are non perishables, I put them away so that I only deal with current favorites & season. After a few seasons, when I open my storage to review the items, some will go into the charity bin.

Whether an item sparks joy (as recommended by Marie Kondo), many of the items in my household are functional. They serve a purpose and fits into my color scheme or elegant theme of the house. Will my uncle’s Christmas gift of a Mickey Mouse mug fit into my home, probably not, even though it sparks joy. I’ll just donate it to the office pantry. Will a white tissue-box cover that I bought from Miniso stay in my home? Yes, because it covers the random tissue box prints and makes my home more aesthetically pleasing. I wouldn’t say that little thing sparks joy per se, but it is part of one big picture.

I’m also a maximiser, a recycler and hate to waste. I’m also a researcher and often keep things for future reference. I’ll say probably half of the stuff I archived are useful and the other half eventually makes it way out. But in between that is where my struggle lies!

I try not to be too fanatical about these cleaning/decluttering/organization methods, but just try to be more aware of what I actually need/use in daily life. Keep the functional everyday items away from the seasonal items (store the seasonal one). Have a personal elegant theme or a theme for your house and ask yourself it those items fit. Have people over so that will increase your consciousness of what items need to go. Also take pictures of your place as though you are going to instagram them. I also have a charity basket in my house where stuff gets added regularly so when it is full, it goes into my car and into the charity bin on my way home.

So my point is, everyone has their own or WILL HAVE TO DEVELOP their own system. But a clean and organized home should be a priority whether you are good at it or not.

This is part of creating a loving home, and members of the home will feel more care and love from you and each other when this is a high priority.

Even if home making skills lack, and you may not enjoy the work, do your best or hire help. I’m definitely not talking about being fussy perfection. Admittedly, there are times when you may feel time is better spend doing other things other than cleaning! (I just spent 2 hours cleaning and preparing the house for a family dinner party, and now I have about 20 minutes to try to finish writing this article.) I also treat myself to the luxury of additional help for 4 hours once a week.

Sloppy living leads to sloppy thinking

There studies shown about the damaging effects of clutter and a disorderly home. Not only does a sloppy home directly impacts the way you live and go about your life, you may find it hard to organize your thoughts. I do feel better when the house is neat and clean, and I get frustrated and easily anxious when “things are everywhere”.

Subconsciously, you and your family members may develop feelings of inferiority and shame due to the state of your home and how you live.

Thus, an organized home saves time, promotes feeling of pride and wellbeing and develops great elegant habits!

• Have house pride, create a version of your dream home

On top of having an organized home, have a house that you can be proud of!

Don’t underestimate how it will change your countenance when you live in a home that you are proud of.

Also, that love will be exemplified when your family is proud of the home they live in. No matter your circumstance, use a little creativity and good taste to beautify and create your elegant home. You can read up about how to do this in your own style of elegance here. Studies have shown that people who live (or children who grow up)  in homes they are proud of develop self-confidence and social skills.

Hope this article will inspire you to create an elegant home for an elegant mind and heart! xoxo

P.s. I’ve also written a small part two of this article.

As I had never been to these events before, I was quite intrigued by the people there. They were all so motivated and fired up. The innovation bug was in the air, it was all so inspiring.

After the pitches ended, everyone got started immediately. They started to ‘network’. This means, they would go around introducing themselves, finding out what you do, and of course, figuring out if there was an opportunity to work together. To put it plainly, you were quickly sized up if you were useful or not (and worthy to be befriended).

I looked over at my friend J, and a large number of people swarmed to him. Everyone wanted to talk to him, to introduce/pitch their business, hoping for investment or other useful opportunities. He was a tall guy, but I could barely see him. As I got up from my seat, thinking I could just go to the corner to wait for him, three people stood right in front of my face.

“Hi, I’m A, my business is in Screen technology. What do you do?”

“I’m B, my start up is a VR publishing platform, about to launch next month. How about you?”

“My business in optical AI is already successful, I just need more funding for my next stage worldwide expansion. And you are? ”

I was stunned. Honestly, I didn’t prepare an answer. Here I was, standing in front of these entrepreneurs and felt very small.

I stumbled out, “Oh Hi I’m E, I’m not in any high tech start-ups, I’m just waiting for my friend….”

Before I could finish my sentence, I saw all three of them had their eyes elsewhere and drifting their body positions away from me. One said, “Oh…” and left me standing. The rest just didn’t bother to continue to speak to me, and turned to the guy on my right and introduced themselves the same way they had to me.

Wow, I guess I wasn’t even worth to be continued speaking to. I wasn’t affected, thankfully my ego is not that big. I was just amazed at how go-getter they are and a little shocked at the aggression (haha I guess that’s the Silicon Valley for you). Of course, there was no time to be wasted, this networking event could only last for probably the next 30-40 minutes as people started to leave. These entrepreneurs needed to meet as many people as they had to, to advance their business.

I hurriedly went to the corner so that I won’t “waste anyone’s time”. I’m not exactly a candidate that could contribute meaningfully. Although this wasn’t an exclusive event, people went there for such a single minded purpose.

As I got out of the way, I continued observing the way people talked about themselves and dismissed others quickly. As I looked over the crowd, I could still see J still being swarmed by people. Everyone was getting in his face because he was from Benchmark Capital. I could see his body language, he was trying to get away as politely as possible. Everyone wanted to talk to him, and everyone wanted his business card.

He looked searchingly at the crowd and once he spotted me, he smiled, politely tried to cut the conversation with the swarm and slowly made his way over. When within earshot, he hissed, “Hurry up, let’s go before more people try to talk to me. I’m hungry. ” As we walked off, I saw the 3 guys whom I “met” earlier looking at me in surprise.

Upon reflection, there were a few things I realized from that little observation.

People tend to alter their behavior according to their perceived (sometimes superficial) value of someone. The more important or useful to them someone is, they smile more, flatter, try to impress, act very nice to. The less or unimportant person is mostly ignored, and sometimes receive curt or even rude behavior.

Now, I’m not offended at all about what those guys did. I get it, being an entrepreneur is a hard life. I know the importance of networking. And yes, maybe they could at least say, it was very nice to meet you. But even if they did, it is not like I could help with anything either. My point of this whole story is to show that we naturally reserve our efforts on what is productive or fruitful, to conserve energy/resources and so our behavior sometimes reflect this. However, in general, treating anyone well or badly based on perceived value is not the most elegant way.

Have the same manner for everyone

It is not elegant to reserve your best behaviour and manners for someone important.

At least those guys were just looking out for the interests of their company, which may represent jobs for many families. There are some people who just reserve their manners for anyone who is judged to be beautiful, prestigious or rich. That doesn’t even make sense because how is that productive? Maybe they think that impressing them could mean future opportunities, or they think it is great for their image.

I feel that one of the core concepts of elegance is treating everyone with respect and in the same manner.

That means you shouldn’t just be rude to someone because she’s “just the waitress”. And also your colleagues shouldn’t see you sucking up to your boss. Your manner of speaking to colleagues, boss and even people whom you don’t work with but share the same office… should be the same.

The way you treat someone should be the same for the people you think are important, and not-so-important.

You shouldn’t save your best manners for the queen.

If so, how  exactly do you treat everyone the same way? How can you be elegant about this?

How to have the same manner for everyone

Here are a few guidelines

1. Treat everyone the same
2. Do not try to impress
3. Don’t be rude to someone just because you think they are not worth your attention

Treat everyone the same

No matter who, be polite and respectful. Offer your greetings, say please and thank you, and look at them when speaking.

This should be your manner to everyone. When you are not in the habit of discriminating or judging or sizing people up and assigning a value to them in relation to your needs, you are actually a better person. You are more elegant and you are genuinely a person of character.

Do not try to impress

There is no need to. And trying to impress almost never works. You may not know who the person really is and may look like a fool if they can already tell that you’re exaggerating. You may steer the conversation towards what you’re interested in by dropping in a few statements to see if they are interested, then perhaps it may be okay to talk about yourself. Ideally, it is better to talk about something else than to use the word “I” and constantly refer to yourself.

Do not be rude

Most people are not rude. But some people are rude only to those calculated as “not important” or “will not affect my career” or “someone I will not socialize with”. I remember seeing two friends dismissing my awkward friend at my birthday party and I was not happy about that.

I’ve also travelled with some friends am genuinely not happy about the way they have treated some taxi drivers.

“Judge a person not by how he treats you, but how he treats others. The former reflects what he wants you to think of him, the latter truly reflects who he is.”
― Betty Jamie Chung

So why do people do this? Why do people treat others differently based on their perceived usefulness?

I believe it is due to their fundamental values and way of thinking. They don’t believe in the abundance of love and goodness in the world. They believe in scarcity in time and resources, they have to fight and take from others. It is as though being nice is a waste of time, because being nice is an effort (probably because they are not genuinely caring or nice).

If deep down you believe in the abundance of love and have fundamental respect for others as equals, I believe the right behavior will come from the heart. You will feel and know what is the right thing to do.

How will having the abundance of love and have fundamental respect for others be like?

This is what I believe. If you believe in the abundance of love and have fundamental respect for others, you will be respectful towards ALL people, not just people from your country, or race or religion.

No matter what their beliefs are, or how different they are from yourself, there will be a fundamental respect for their differences and their choices. Even when it makes you uncomfortable.  One shouldn’t compare or try to convince anyone to change.

It is our job to for us to acquaint ourselves with some of these differences, so as to better understand and see things from another perspective.

And when you do, I believe it is only natural you become a more considerate person. Somehow, it will be easier to think about others before yourself.

In doing so, I also remind myself of these points…

There is a difference being-firm-but-not-rude, and being rude.

There is no need to be rude, but that doesn’t mean you are a push-over. There is a difference between being firm and respectful in a disagreeable situation, and being rude.

Do not be overly nice

While you are being elegant and treating everyone in the same manner, this also doesn’t mean you are overly nice, in a way that makes others feel uncomfortable, or that you’re sucking up. You don’t have to go out of your way for everyone, you don’t have to please everyone. You can say no. Just be as polite and straight forward as possible, and don’t need to sugarcoat something or exaggerate to be nice. People can smell pretentiousness .

Don’t need to cultivate friendship with everyone

Sometimes we try too hard, and we try to cultivate a relationship with everyone. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, certainly not your boss, your colleagues or your assistant, not even the part-time housekeeper. Keep the personal questions to yourself. Sometimes, it is kind to maintain a respectful distance and to give people space or privacy. Be cheerful when you see them but go about your own business and be on your merry way.

“The most attractive thing about you should have less to do with your face or body and more to do with your attitude and how you treat people.”
― Germany Kent

Being Elegant in your Manner

Having the same manner for everyone is not only kindness and consideration, but it is also about having character. There is a sense of honesty, because you don’t have to be on your guard, you don’t have to wonder if you were rude or curt prior to realizing who you were speaking to. You’re not pretending to be someone else. You are polite, you are considerate, you are elegant. You’re being yourself.

It is also faith and sense of belief that you don’t have to flatter your way to get any where. Flattery might work against you. And if you need to flatter any one in order to get something, or get ahead, then maybe it is not worth pursuing that, if it is elegance that you’re after.

Women who have inspired me seem have one elegant manner. They live their lives with dignity by not altering their behaviour according to perceived value. They don’t even appear to be sizing any one up. Doing so is regarded as crass and pretentious.

As I write this, I recall a little bitterly at my current workplace where two of my colleagues use this method to get ahead. Sure, it may work (probably temporarily) but everyone else in that department is disgusted and those two are not well-liked. I sometimes get mad because it is quite unfair and feel like there is no justice but I remind myself that that’s not the life I want, and those are the people I do not want to be.

I believe in doing the right thing and living as best as I can, even though I am not perfect. I want to be the elegant person that treats everyone in the same respectful, courteous way. I want to be kind and warm and compassionate. I want to live with the right values and principles and make the world a better place, in my own way.

Before I end off, I would like to share with you some quotes that have inspired me greatly from “My Fair Lady“.

Mrs. Higgins: How ever did you learn good manners with my son around?
Eliza Doolittle: It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen really behaved, if it hadn’t been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed what he thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will.

People may not have remembered what you said, but they will always remember how you have made them felt.

Have a great month ahead,

E

One of the things I’ve noticed is their ability to be still and be calm. If you speak Japanese, or have a chance to become good friends with someone from that culture, you will notice that they have many expressions of ‘being calm’. They will talk about staying calm and being calm. They aspire to be calm. Being calm is highly valued in Japanese society.

And the result of this sense of calm is ‘stillness’.

Stillness is important in elegance.

Here are the reasons why

1) Stillness influences your countenance, manners and your mannerisms.

Stillness evokes an appearance of calmness from within. This sense of stillness helps calm others down, it is pleasant and makes others more comfortable around you.

Hurriedness and fluster may cause others anxiety.

2) Stillness evokes an atmosphere to be efficient, to eliminate the unnecessary

When you go about your day, when you are calm, you probably become more efficient and realistic. You set up the situation where you can do your best, in whatever you do.

3) An elegant person is still.

Every person whom you feel is elegant has this sense of stillness about him/her. It doesn’t matter the situation.

4) It is easier to maintain an elegant appearance with stillness.

To maintain good posture, there must be a sense of stillness otherwise balance cannot be achieved. If you are still, you’re less likely to trip, or spill something on yourself. If you go about life with stillness, you are probably clearer in the head in purpose and direction and are less likely to forget or miss things.

The Elegant Japanese Woman

The elegant Japanese woman is still. She does not fidget, speak or move hurriedly. There is careful thought in her speech and actions.

She stands upright, without looking slouchy. Her head is slightly lowered, compared to the elegant European or American counterparts. I believe that is cultural, as Japanese women as they value the appearance of being humble and tend to not be comfortable in the limelight. Her strength is quiet and she is uncomfortable with drawing attention to herself.

She speaks softly, smiles gently (not the full grin unless something is really funny, and even then she will try very hard to compose herself). She is attentive and very helpful. She makes effort in her appearance with elegant, conservative styles.

Her pace of speech is unhurried. She isn’t afraid to pause in conversation. She is comfortable with silence or lulls in conversation. She listens attentively and responds as sincerely as possible (even if she doesn’t want to).

Her countenance, movements and behaviour are from a sense of stillness.

She moves and behaves in a calm way, like royalty.

Every movement comes from the central balance of the body. The body is still, with all body parts kept “in”. Nothing is fully extended if unnecessary. She is upright and balanced. Her head is erect unless it is necessary to look down. It is as though she walks around with an invisible book on her head.

She doesn’t clap her hands when gesturing, slap someone on the back. She doesn’t rummage. Every action is purposeful and necessary. Hands are placed neatly by the side, head looking up, and she is not fidgety or moving or jerking unnecessarily. She moves seamlessly like a sloth, an elegant sloth. (I’m sorry, I know sloth seldom used in a positive way, but just google the way the sloth moves… it is seamless. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have an ‘elegant’ posture so it doesn’t look regal at all.)

She doesn’t jerk and turn around suddenly, even if she realized she is going the wrong way. There are a lot of pauses, waiting to see if she is in anyone’s way. Her eyes look straight ahead or at you (without gazing) or is focused and not darting around.

Her head is still as well with no sudden turns to left or right. She will not twist the neck awkwardly to look for something.

Whenever she carries or brings something, she thinks about the logistics about it. This might be an insignificant example but it did not come naturally for me. In Japan, we take the Metro a lot. Instead of always digging into the bag for the Metro card to tap out whenever we take a train, it will be in an accessible position, or a little small tote bag with frequently used items such as money purse, mobile phone, packet of tissues and the metro card.

The efficient way of life has enabled her to be still and elegant.

How the Japanese Woman has Inspired me

While I’m not the most fidgety person, I think I’ve grown more hurried and flustered (at least on the inside) due to the fast-pace life. I don’t often feel calm because I feel busy all the time.

When I’m on the train and whenever I have a few spare minutes, instead of staring out the window into the sunset, I’m on my phone (don’t judge me). I’m checking email and replying to my messages from Whatapp, Telegram, Linechat, Wechat, Facebook messenger, and messages from Instagram. Then I check my Instagram and IG stories so on and so forth. Then, perhaps I would read BBC news and check whatever shopping app to see what’s new. If I’m not on my phone, I’m making To-do lists in my diary or thinking about what else I need to get done.

In that way, I feel that is hard to be still in all aspects, mentally, spirtually, emotionally and that affects the physical aspect. I start to fidget, or get flustered. My attention seems to be divided and I’m multi-tasking all the time.

In Japan, when I look around, or whenever I interact with the Japanese, they look so calm, still and unhurried. I doubt they have significantly different lives from the rest of us. And yet, they are able to still have a sense of stillness and peace. And that is why they appear to be so elegant.

That made me reflect and inspired me to write this article.

While I was conscious of their calm-ness, I only realized recently the significance of stillness and its role in being elegant.

This concept was enforced when my guyfriend K joined (or rather, crashed) my trip for a day. I was on my yearly visit to my Japanese bestfriend R. K hasn’t been to Japan before, and so he hadn’t adjusted to their quiet, calm culture. He, being in his raw form and being himself, provided a visible contrast with R. This contrast helped me see clearly the differences in Japanese culture.

K was energetic, lively and spoke very fast. He was also very animated in his expressions. He often used his body to gesture his meaning and to communicate. He was also very casual in his manners. He was warm and friendly and excitable. He was spontaneous and energetic. Often, he was also unfocused. He could be talking about a topic and intersperse other topics in. He was fun to be around, but I wouldn’t say he was the most elegant. Indeed, there were some situations where I had wished he was more sensitive to the Japanese culture and followed (to appear more well-mannered)…especially in a country like Japan where manners were taken very seriously.

Now, if he were in some other countries or culture where it was more relaxed and less stiff, he would fit right in. Unfortunately, he stuck out like a sore thumb.

Now, I don’t think he was trying to be rude, in fact, he was trying to make my rather reserved Japanese friend feel comfortable and he tried so hard to be friendly. He spent the whole day talking to her, initiating and striking up fun conversations with many topics, showing her this that on the train, asking her so many questions (questions which he actually doesn’t really care about the answer, but she was diligently researching to find answers for). He hogged her attention of conversation on our walks on the way to any destination.

Initially, I tried to hint to him some things to be aware of, due to Japanese culture. And eventually I gave up. I knew that R will just bear with him due to her manners.

However, it was very confusing for my elegant Japanese friend. There were many moments where she paused, because she didn’t understand, or know what to say. She didn’t know what to say because she was used to thinking before speaking, considering what she was going to say, how it would affect someone, or how she came across. She wanted to be accurate in her meaning, at the same time not offend or disrespect anyone.

K would ask her direct questions, which she felt placed on the spot to answer. Questions such as, “Do you want to go to this theatrical cafe?”. “When are you going to London? Let me know, I will go with you.” “How about I join you for xxx?”

She looked at me hesitantly. That is because they probably take things literally and generally not in the habit of making this kind of small talk. She wouldn’t say, “Sure, I’ll let you know when I go to London”, to continue the small talk especially if she doesn’t mean it and certainly if she does not want to!

Also, because they (the Japanese) do not want to appear rude, they will always attempt to listen intently, and take your questions seriously. For instance, if you asked R about the most popular restaurant for Sushi, she will spend 15 minutes to research that for you. Thus, it was very tiring for her to constantly be engaged in a high-energy way.

On the train, he was talking loudly. He was animated, and distracting, flailing his arms everywhere. For the Japanese, their normal volume is almost inaudible as they prize quietness and so as not to disturb others. That also means that little noise easily irritate them. So R was actually feeling self-conscious and slightly disturbed. She was also trying to hint to him bits of Japanese culture, such as explaining how on the trains, we switch and carry the our backpacks in front, even if the backpacks are the ones for daily use and are small.

I was also an old friend, so he didn’t need to impress me, so I was pretty much ignored for the day. I think it was because he has never had a chance to socialize with a Japanese person before. He got so excited, he pretty much forgot to include me in conversation and was very dismissive whenever R tried to include me in conversation. She felt offended and told me afterwards.

But get this, I didn’t know she was offended. She only told me later when he left.

I, on the other hand, felt slightly embarrassed.

I was annoyed of course, but I didn’t want to ruin the day and kept my manners pleasant.

However, I’m glad to have that experience because it was through observation that I learned a thing or two more about elegance. The contrast between friendly and ‘loud’ K and reserved, elegant R reinforced the concept of stillness in relation to elegance.

I don’t think K meant to be rude at all (so don’t hate him!). He is a nice person, just… largely uncultured and unaware. I mean, I feel uncultured too and that’s why I make an effort to learn.

Now I’m not saying we have to mimic Japanese culture in order to be elegant. I believe elegance comes in different styles and forms, and we could just learn and be inspired but create our own sense of elegance.

In fact, to some extent, it was tiring. I had to be very sensitive because R doesn’t like to say no. In that way, I appreciate the Western culture of elegance of being direct but nice and polite in saying no. Sometimes I feel R overthinks things. Because they are so indirect, I’m often guessing and hoping I’ve not offended anyone. But the underlying principle is noble because these manners and etiquette had began out of respect and consideration for others.

Habit of Self-Reflection & Thinking Twice

Another interesting point to note about Japanese women and R was their “pause” which happened frequently in conversation. This ‘pause’ occurs during conversation because they are quietly considering what they are about to say. I’ll admit that I found it awkward at first, and they definitely appreciated my ‘natural-ness’ and ‘casualness’ because it put them at ease (as long as I do not make them uncomfortable).

This pause slows my natural (hurried) pace down. It calms me, gives me more time to think, and also compose myself. I became more conscious of my posture and my awareness of everything heightened. I found myself matching her pace and naturally being influenced by her posture and gestures. I learned how to be still.

That habit of self-reflection created a sense of stillness. As a result, she was always polite and considerate. She probably didn’t offend anyone or appear rude. She was pleasant and her manners impressed others. She was quite elegant.

She didn’t rush to respond or react out of emotion. (If I could do this better, I believe I will save myself a lot of trouble!)

Her habit of thinking before she speaks creates a slower pace of life. She often pauses to think, which is something I don’t do very much, I’ll admit. As a result, there is almost nothing rash in her actions.

I think I could use some of that.

Stillness can be learned

I believe the habit of stillness can be learned. On the weekends, I teach young children recreational ballet. They start at ages 3,4 or 5 and come into class running, screaming and bouncing off walls.

One of my favorite things to do to help me teach more efficiently and to instil discipline is this one exercise. I place these young children in a circle where they have to stand still and not move while I count one to twenty. It may not be easy for them in the beginning. They might giggle, cough, scratch, look at the ceiling, the mirror, touch their skirt. When they do, I start my counts from one again.

This exercise calms them down and it is easier for me to start teaching ballet. The parents stand outside amazed. Whenever I’m away, the relief teachers always comment about what a pleasure it is to teach my little ballet girls, and about how disciplined they are in class.

Unknowingly, I was teaching them the concepts of stillness.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I wrote this article because I want to remember my experience and reflections of that trip. I hope this may inspire you to prioritise some ways to be elegant. I’ve also read that meditation helps, and meditation is very useful in all aspects of life. Maybe that is what God meant and He wanted us to learn to be still, as the bible says, ““Be still, and know that I am God…” (Psalms 46:10)

Thanks for reading!