Aside from home organization & maintenance, some elegant principles of what makes a home, there should also be some elements to make a house feel like a home.

In my spare time, I like to post some pictures on Elegantwoman’s Instagram for my own inspiration and as a way to keep in contact with everyone. As I was browsing Pinterest for ideas, there were so many beautiful pictures, of course, most of them magazine worthy.

The reality is most of us do not live like that. It’s not just about our financial situation, or the city/country that we live in – that are the reasons for the state of our house. A home is like a living and breathing thing, things get brought in, thrown out. Events occur frequently, people move about, interactions take place constantly etc. It is a lot easier to create a beautiful static place than a living breathing one. You also want a home to be a place where everyone can relax, and not have to worry about maintaining it with military precision.

Of course, this is my opinion of what it means to live elegantly. It is not merely about having a home that is elegant in furnishings. I gravitate to homes and home decor that gives a relaxing and homey atmosphere. I prefer those instead of homes that look like modern art or like most hotels. (I understand the appeal of that aesthetic, but maybe keep that style to certain parts of the home where it is more ‘public’ than private.)

So apart from the house being ‘designed’ and elegant on the outside, I feel a house needs homey touches – that is not just for a “show of elegant taste”.

ELEGANT HOMEY TOUCHES

Though I didn’t grow up in a particularly upmarket neighbourhood, there are many warm memories of my cosy home in my childhood. There was a beautiful piano, wooden bookcase of the family’s favorite books, a big wooden table for dining and another where my brother and I drew pictures, curated our sticker collection and did our homework. My mother would wrap a huge cardboard box with pretty wrapping paper and those stored all our toys. For containers, she would also wrap all these boxes that came with packaging of goods and put them in drawers to neatly organize all the stationary and little things used around the house. I remember opening those drawers and staring at them in fascination as a little girl. These personal touches created a warm feeling of home and gave me such loving memories of my childhood.

INFLUENCE OF QUALITY OF THE HOME AFFECTS YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

I’m very sure we were just average financially, but my father had this thing about quality. Our bookshelves, arm chairs, tables were made of good solid wood. It was extremely sturdy and heavy, and the touch was just … of quality. I’m glad I grew up with that because it made me sensitive to what was good solid wood. I’ll admit that not everything in my current home matches the standards of my childhood home in terms of quality. The reason is simply because my life is more transient, having to travel and possibly move countries every few years.

I don’t believe in spending more than what you can afford, but rather, buying the best of what you can afford. Position yourself for quality also influences your state of mind and for elegant thinking. It is easy to slip into sloppiness, so in this way, be disciplined with yourself as well. This way, you will gain experience in learning how to judge and appreciate quality and value. You will come to know the value of things that will last and be encouraged to produce quality.

This is true, using another example from my work experience. In my work, I design and produce for a certain clothing label. I have to work closely with the production team from another country whose culture is very different. Perhaps it would be true to say quality and art is not a high priority in their lifestyle and it is reflected in their work. Their eye and attention to detail is far less honed than I expected, and that was the initial trouble of communicating my expectations of quality standards and design. For example, if a seam wasn’t sewn as straight or if the thread color wasn’t exactly the same, the production team didn’t think it was a problem. It was a problem for me. The garment has to look good on a hanger, as well as in the packaging, and if it lay flat on the table and of course on the customer. The production team themselves were used to a lower standard of quality and were alright with it, so it was harder to produce a niche line of quality goods (even though they weren’t exactly premium clothes). The problem all stems from their personal expectations, shaped by their culture and values of quality and art.

INFLUENCE OF ART & BEAUTY

In some practical asian culture, art is deemed unnecessary, unlike in some European cultures, where art and music are seen as important as food and water. A beautiful artistic home is viewed as ‘impractical’ and some well-to-do families will even use old towels as floor mats and have very sparse furnishings with no art on the walls or effort of design. To some extent, I relate, as I type this and am currently annoyed at my practical but not-so-beautiful bedroom. I feel it is important to ‘take care of yourself (and your family)’ by ensuring there is beauty in the house, and in every room.

Ideally, there will be art around the house, and it would be elegantly arranged in a beautiful style. The home is also a way of artistic expression. Everyone may not have a natural artistic flair but the important thing is to make an effort to learn what looks good, either by consulting friends, or furniture catalogs or an interior designer or just looking at examples online. And that is how you develop your artistic side and how you develop good taste.  Art will have greater meaning as you are more aware of artistic beauty, and naturally become more observing and creative.

CREATE A WELCOMING ATMOSPHERE

I always have a warm feeling when I land at the airport and someone says to me (even the airport staff), “Welcome home”. Notice what warms your heart about your heart and strive to create more of that feeling in your home. That will enable you to really appreciate your home. You may even discuss this with other members of your home, about the purpose of each space or room, and how can you (together, perhaps) make it the kind of room that they will enjoy being in. Doing that may encourage everyone to love the home more and cooperate to make it the ideal loving living space. This will also prevent anyone from neglecting or even abusing the space. It also encourages warm interactions and for you to be more open to invite people over. That will create more loving memories and experiences of your home.

When a house provides you a home, it becomes more than a refuge from the world, it becomes part of you. Why do you want to go home so much? Why do you love your home so much? It is because you have been happy there, you have had good times and felt loved and cared for. No one ever loves a house because of material things in it. People who grew up in luxurious houses do not necessarily have fond memories of their childhood home. They will not have fond memories of such elegant glamorous homes if it was associated with bitter memories. On the other hand, many people who grew up in bare tiny homes have tender and warm memories and recollections of home. Thus, the type of home is not important. You can create an elegant and loving home regardless.

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The home is your dwelling place. It is your physical protection from the world. There is no other feeling that coming back home after a stressful day. The home also acts like an anchor and refuge. It is where you feel safe.  You probably live with the people you feel closest to, and houses all your possessions.

The past few years of my family and personal life have been rather turbulent and busy. I was teaching, involved in several projects and also running the family business.

Without being completely aware, I found myself in a very busy place. I felt like I have neglected my home, the elegant living dwelling space that I had once so lovingly curated.  While it is not in a complete disarray, I had let clutter accumulate in certain areas of the house, such as my bedroom, my office/workroom and the kitchen. Disorganization has taken over.

Though on the outside, I still see my beautiful home.I felt as though I was hiding a secret. It also felt like a ticking bomb that might soon explode (into chaos literally). Deep down, I knew it is not the way I wanted to live and I wasn’t comfortable with the stress it is subtly causing. I dislike subjecting my family living like this EVEN MORE.

I attempted to rectify this, albeit weakly as I couldn’t afford the time and mental space. If I tried to organize a shelf, a pile of mess would lay for several weeks before I had the capacity to deal with it again. I turned to books to help me and over the years, I’ve read

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing and

Sink Reflections: Overwhelmed? Disorganized? Living in Chaos? and

The CHAOS Cure: Clean Your House and Calm Your Soul in 15 Minutes.

While these books are great at helping me create some sort of structure and system, I felt I needed a greater set of ‘elegant principles’ to solidify my resolve.

I thought I’ll share them with you.

ELEGANT PRINCIPLES OF AN ELEGANT HOME

• The home should be given a high importance, thus high priority in your life

It is place when I can call my own, my comfort and refuge, where I can be myself the most. It should be somewhere that brings me peace and rest, good sleep, health… a place where I can recharge, love and be happy. I should make more of an effort to ensure my home blesses us.

• Make the home of quality, comfort and beauty within your income

Because beauty & elegance is something that I enjoy, this should translate into the way my home is as well. When I go to a place that has beautiful and elegant furnishings or decor, I naturally want to take a picture of it. I probably stare at its surroundings a little longer, relishing it in. The home should be no different. I should make an effort to create a home of beauty that will ignite my sense of pride in the home. As the principles of elegance goes, quality is of high priority, choosing furnishings & objects of the home of with a mindset of using it and keeping it for a long time. Also you and your family/children will learn and be accustomed to high quality and good taste.

• Spacious & near nature

If you live in a big city like me, this can be a challenge. If you could choose, prioritise a bit more space than less, as much as you can afford and hopefully near nature or a park. I think we are actually wired to be in touch with nature and experience less stress and more peace when we do so. If this is not part of your circumstance, have some pictures of nature in your home and have some plants. Also, make an effort to go outdoors to a park every now and then.

For some, creating an elegant home is exciting because it is about decorating elegantly. While I’ll love that too, but I won’t be going into that because this article is about creating a home, and decorating is only a small aspect. I wrote a little about elegant decorating some years back and you may read it there.

For the next section, I will writing a little bit of creating the home in view of family members, whether you live with immediate or extended family or adopted family members (friends, housemates, roommates). A home largely consists of people living in it so that is why I decided to include this section.

• Ensure that you and each of your family member have a place of their own

Whether you share a room with your sister, husband, aging mother etc (I know everyone’s circumstance is different), everyone needs a place they can call their own. If you’re fortunate, it can be your own room, or a small corner of the house. For children, they can have part of a shelf, or a treasure chest. In this area, you should be allowed to decorate as however you see fit, a place to express & indulge yourself, to have privacy and away from judgement and opinions of others. This privacy should be respected and not invaded. Hopefully this area, is a place where you can be alone and away from the family. We all need some timeout and somewhere to go and be alone sometimes.

• Make it a priority to live in a house that is clean and organized.

I’ll be first to admit that I’m not a natural at this, but most important thing is not perfection but to try and not give up (or give in). I won’t be going into detail about how to do this, but there is a lot of help out there, such as the recent Marie Kondo method that went viral on social media. Flylady is someone I go to from time to time, because she has such a loving and encouraging voice to teach us how to let go of clutter. I’m not sure how they feel about elegance, but their methods are functional.

As for me, just to share on my personal experience, I have some habits that create both convenience and inconvenience. I tend to stock up on my favourite products. I prefer that because I don’t enjoy going out to the shops just to replace one thing, such as my mascara. However, I have to learn to store them properly and also not to buy too much.

I also recognize I go through seasons. I can’t be that person that survives on relatively the same stuff for years and years. I applaud and admire those who can. I have my classic items of course, but I need inspiration and change every now and then, in terms of what I use or eat. So if they are non perishables, I put them away so that I only deal with current favorites & season. After a few seasons, when I open my storage to review the items, some will go into the charity bin.

Whether an item sparks joy (as recommended by Marie Kondo), many of the items in my household are functional. They serve a purpose and fits into my color scheme or elegant theme of the house. Will my uncle’s Christmas gift of a Mickey Mouse mug fit into my home, probably not, even though it sparks joy. I’ll just donate it to the office pantry. Will a white tissue-box cover that I bought from Miniso stay in my home? Yes, because it covers the random tissue box prints and makes my home more aesthetically pleasing. I wouldn’t say that little thing sparks joy per se, but it is part of one big picture.

I’m also a maximiser, a recycler and hate to waste. I’m also a researcher and often keep things for future reference. I’ll say probably half of the stuff I archived are useful and the other half eventually makes it way out. But in between that is where my struggle lies!

I try not to be too fanatical about these cleaning/decluttering/organization methods, but just try to be more aware of what I actually need/use in daily life. Keep the functional everyday items away from the seasonal items (store the seasonal one). Have a personal elegant theme or a theme for your house and ask yourself it those items fit. Have people over so that will increase your consciousness of what items need to go. Also take pictures of your place as though you are going to instagram them. I also have a charity basket in my house where stuff gets added regularly so when it is full, it goes into my car and into the charity bin on my way home.

So my point is, everyone has their own or WILL HAVE TO DEVELOP their own system. But a clean and organized home should be a priority whether you are good at it or not.

This is part of creating a loving home, and members of the home will feel more care and love from you and each other when this is a high priority.

Even if home making skills lack, and you may not enjoy the work, do your best or hire help. I’m definitely not talking about being fussy perfection. Admittedly, there are times when you may feel time is better spend doing other things other than cleaning! (I just spent 2 hours cleaning and preparing the house for a family dinner party, and now I have about 20 minutes to try to finish writing this article.) I also treat myself to the luxury of additional help for 4 hours once a week.

Sloppy living leads to sloppy thinking

There studies shown about the damaging effects of clutter and a disorderly home. Not only does a sloppy home directly impacts the way you live and go about your life, you may find it hard to organize your thoughts. I do feel better when the house is neat and clean, and I get frustrated and easily anxious when “things are everywhere”.

Subconsciously, you and your family members may develop feelings of inferiority and shame due to the state of your home and how you live.

Thus, an organized home saves time, promotes feeling of pride and wellbeing and develops great elegant habits!

• Have house pride, create a version of your dream home

On top of having an organized home, have a house that you can be proud of!

Don’t underestimate how it will change your countenance when you live in a home that you are proud of.

Also, that love will be exemplified when your family is proud of the home they live in. No matter your circumstance, use a little creativity and good taste to beautify and create your elegant home. You can read up about how to do this in your own style of elegance here. Studies have shown that people who live (or children who grow up)  in homes they are proud of develop self-confidence and social skills.

Hope this article will inspire you to create an elegant home for an elegant mind and heart! xoxo

P.s. I’ve also written a small part two of this article.

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As I had never been to these events before, I was quite intrigued by the people there. They were all so motivated and fired up. The innovation bug was in the air, it was all so inspiring.

After the pitches ended, everyone got started immediately. They started to ‘network’. This means, they would go around introducing themselves, finding out what you do, and of course, figuring out if there was an opportunity to work together. To put it plainly, you were quickly sized up if you were useful or not (and worthy to be befriended).

I looked over at my friend J, and a large number of people swarmed to him. Everyone wanted to talk to him, to introduce/pitch their business, hoping for investment or other useful opportunities. He was a tall guy, but I could barely see him. As I got up from my seat, thinking I could just go to the corner to wait for him, three people stood right in front of my face.

“Hi, I’m A, my business is in Screen technology. What do you do?”

“I’m B, my start up is a VR publishing platform, about to launch next month. How about you?”

“My business in optical AI is already successful, I just need more funding for my next stage worldwide expansion. And you are? ”

I was stunned. Honestly, I didn’t prepare an answer. Here I was, standing in front of these entrepreneurs and felt very small.

I stumbled out, “Oh Hi I’m E, I’m not in any high tech start-ups, I’m just waiting for my friend….”

Before I could finish my sentence, I saw all three of them had their eyes elsewhere and drifting their body positions away from me. One said, “Oh…” and left me standing. The rest just didn’t bother to continue to speak to me, and turned to the guy on my right and introduced themselves the same way they had to me.

Wow, I guess I wasn’t even worth to be continued speaking to. I wasn’t affected, thankfully my ego is not that big. I was just amazed at how go-getter they are and a little shocked at the aggression (haha I guess that’s the Silicon Valley for you). Of course, there was no time to be wasted, this networking event could only last for probably the next 30-40 minutes as people started to leave. These entrepreneurs needed to meet as many people as they had to, to advance their business.

I hurriedly went to the corner so that I won’t “waste anyone’s time”. I’m not exactly a candidate that could contribute meaningfully. Although this wasn’t an exclusive event, people went there for such a single minded purpose.

As I got out of the way, I continued observing the way people talked about themselves and dismissed others quickly. As I looked over the crowd, I could still see J still being swarmed by people. Everyone was getting in his face because he was from Benchmark Capital. I could see his body language, he was trying to get away as politely as possible. Everyone wanted to talk to him, and everyone wanted his business card.

He looked searchingly at the crowd and once he spotted me, he smiled, politely tried to cut the conversation with the swarm and slowly made his way over. When within earshot, he hissed, “Hurry up, let’s go before more people try to talk to me. I’m hungry. ” As we walked off, I saw the 3 guys whom I “met” earlier looking at me in surprise.

Upon reflection, there were a few things I realized from that little observation.

People tend to alter their behavior according to their perceived (sometimes superficial) value of someone. The more important or useful to them someone is, they smile more, flatter, try to impress, act very nice to. The less or unimportant person is mostly ignored, and sometimes receive curt or even rude behavior.

Now, I’m not offended at all about what those guys did. I get it, being an entrepreneur is a hard life. I know the importance of networking. And yes, maybe they could at least say, it was very nice to meet you. But even if they did, it is not like I could help with anything either. My point of this whole story is to show that we naturally reserve our efforts on what is productive or fruitful, to conserve energy/resources and so our behavior sometimes reflect this. However, in general, treating anyone well or badly based on perceived value is not the most elegant way.

Have the same manner for everyone

It is not elegant to reserve your best behaviour and manners for someone important.

At least those guys were just looking out for the interests of their company, which may represent jobs for many families. There are some people who just reserve their manners for anyone who is judged to be beautiful, prestigious or rich. That doesn’t even make sense because how is that productive? Maybe they think that impressing them could mean future opportunities, or they think it is great for their image.

I feel that one of the core concepts of elegance is treating everyone with respect and in the same manner.

That means you shouldn’t just be rude to someone because she’s “just the waitress”. And also your colleagues shouldn’t see you sucking up to your boss. Your manner of speaking to colleagues, boss and even people whom you don’t work with but share the same office… should be the same.

The way you treat someone should be the same for the people you think are important, and not-so-important.

You shouldn’t save your best manners for the queen.

If so, how  exactly do you treat everyone the same way? How can you be elegant about this?

How to have the same manner for everyone

Here are a few guidelines

1. Treat everyone the same
2. Do not try to impress
3. Don’t be rude to someone just because you think they are not worth your attention

Treat everyone the same

No matter who, be polite and respectful. Offer your greetings, say please and thank you, and look at them when speaking.

This should be your manner to everyone. When you are not in the habit of discriminating or judging or sizing people up and assigning a value to them in relation to your needs, you are actually a better person. You are more elegant and you are genuinely a person of character.

Do not try to impress

There is no need to. And trying to impress almost never works. You may not know who the person really is and may look like a fool if they can already tell that you’re exaggerating. You may steer the conversation towards what you’re interested in by dropping in a few statements to see if they are interested, then perhaps it may be okay to talk about yourself. Ideally, it is better to talk about something else than to use the word “I” and constantly refer to yourself.

Do not be rude

Most people are not rude. But some people are rude only to those calculated as “not important” or “will not affect my career” or “someone I will not socialize with”. I remember seeing two friends dismissing my awkward friend at my birthday party and I was not happy about that.

I’ve also travelled with some friends am genuinely not happy about the way they have treated some taxi drivers.

“Judge a person not by how he treats you, but how he treats others. The former reflects what he wants you to think of him, the latter truly reflects who he is.”
― Betty Jamie Chung

So why do people do this? Why do people treat others differently based on their perceived usefulness?

I believe it is due to their fundamental values and way of thinking. They don’t believe in the abundance of love and goodness in the world. They believe in scarcity in time and resources, they have to fight and take from others. It is as though being nice is a waste of time, because being nice is an effort (probably because they are not genuinely caring or nice).

If deep down you believe in the abundance of love and have fundamental respect for others as equals, I believe the right behavior will come from the heart. You will feel and know what is the right thing to do.

How will having the abundance of love and have fundamental respect for others be like?

This is what I believe. If you believe in the abundance of love and have fundamental respect for others, you will be respectful towards ALL people, not just people from your country, or race or religion.

No matter what their beliefs are, or how different they are from yourself, there will be a fundamental respect for their differences and their choices. Even when it makes you uncomfortable.  One shouldn’t compare or try to convince anyone to change.

It is our job to for us to acquaint ourselves with some of these differences, so as to better understand and see things from another perspective.

And when you do, I believe it is only natural you become a more considerate person. Somehow, it will be easier to think about others before yourself.

In doing so, I also remind myself of these points…

There is a difference being-firm-but-not-rude, and being rude.

There is no need to be rude, but that doesn’t mean you are a push-over. There is a difference between being firm and respectful in a disagreeable situation, and being rude.

Do not be overly nice

While you are being elegant and treating everyone in the same manner, this also doesn’t mean you are overly nice, in a way that makes others feel uncomfortable, or that you’re sucking up. You don’t have to go out of your way for everyone, you don’t have to please everyone. You can say no. Just be as polite and straight forward as possible, and don’t need to sugarcoat something or exaggerate to be nice. People can smell pretentiousness .

Don’t need to cultivate friendship with everyone

Sometimes we try too hard, and we try to cultivate a relationship with everyone. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, certainly not your boss, your colleagues or your assistant, not even the part-time housekeeper. Keep the personal questions to yourself. Sometimes, it is kind to maintain a respectful distance and to give people space or privacy. Be cheerful when you see them but go about your own business and be on your merry way.

“The most attractive thing about you should have less to do with your face or body and more to do with your attitude and how you treat people.”
― Germany Kent

Being Elegant in your Manner

Having the same manner for everyone is not only kindness and consideration, but it is also about having character. There is a sense of honesty, because you don’t have to be on your guard, you don’t have to wonder if you were rude or curt prior to realizing who you were speaking to. You’re not pretending to be someone else. You are polite, you are considerate, you are elegant. You’re being yourself.

It is also faith and sense of belief that you don’t have to flatter your way to get any where. Flattery might work against you. And if you need to flatter any one in order to get something, or get ahead, then maybe it is not worth pursuing that, if it is elegance that you’re after.

Women who have inspired me seem have one elegant manner. They live their lives with dignity by not altering their behaviour according to perceived value. They don’t even appear to be sizing any one up. Doing so is regarded as crass and pretentious.

As I write this, I recall a little bitterly at my current workplace where two of my colleagues use this method to get ahead. Sure, it may work (probably temporarily) but everyone else in that department is disgusted and those two are not well-liked. I sometimes get mad because it is quite unfair and feel like there is no justice but I remind myself that that’s not the life I want, and those are the people I do not want to be.

I believe in doing the right thing and living as best as I can, even though I am not perfect. I want to be the elegant person that treats everyone in the same respectful, courteous way. I want to be kind and warm and compassionate. I want to live with the right values and principles and make the world a better place, in my own way.

Before I end off, I would like to share with you some quotes that have inspired me greatly from “My Fair Lady“.

Mrs. Higgins: How ever did you learn good manners with my son around?
Eliza Doolittle: It was very difficult. I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen really behaved, if it hadn’t been for Colonel Pickering. He always showed what he thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a common flower girl. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a common flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me like a common flower girl, and always will. But I know that I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering, because he always treats me like a lady, and always will.

People may not have remembered what you said, but they will always remember how you have made them felt.

Have a great month ahead,

E

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One of the things I’ve noticed is their ability to be still and be calm. If you speak Japanese, or have a chance to become good friends with someone from that culture, you will notice that they have many expressions of ‘being calm’. They will talk about staying calm and being calm. They aspire to be calm. Being calm is highly valued in Japanese society.

And the result of this sense of calm is ‘stillness’.

Stillness is important in elegance.

Here are the reasons why

1) Stillness influences your countenance, manners and your mannerisms.

Stillness evokes an appearance of calmness from within. This sense of stillness helps calm others down, it is pleasant and makes others more comfortable around you.

Hurriedness and fluster may cause others anxiety.

2) Stillness evokes an atmosphere to be efficient, to eliminate the unnecessary

When you go about your day, when you are calm, you probably become more efficient and realistic. You set up the situation where you can do your best, in whatever you do.

3) An elegant person is still.

Every person whom you feel is elegant has this sense of stillness about him/her. It doesn’t matter the situation.

4) It is easier to maintain an elegant appearance with stillness.

To maintain good posture, there must be a sense of stillness otherwise balance cannot be achieved. If you are still, you’re less likely to trip, or spill something on yourself. If you go about life with stillness, you are probably clearer in the head in purpose and direction and are less likely to forget or miss things.

The Elegant Japanese Woman

The elegant Japanese woman is still. She does not fidget, speak or move hurriedly. There is careful thought in her speech and actions.

She stands upright, without looking slouchy. Her head is slightly lowered, compared to the elegant European or American counterparts. I believe that is cultural, as Japanese women as they value the appearance of being humble and tend to not be comfortable in the limelight. Her strength is quiet and she is uncomfortable with drawing attention to herself.

She speaks softly, smiles gently (not the full grin unless something is really funny, and even then she will try very hard to compose herself). She is attentive and very helpful. She makes effort in her appearance with elegant, conservative styles.

Her pace of speech is unhurried. She isn’t afraid to pause in conversation. She is comfortable with silence or lulls in conversation. She listens attentively and responds as sincerely as possible (even if she doesn’t want to).

Her countenance, movements and behaviour are from a sense of stillness.

She moves and behaves in a calm way, like royalty.

Every movement comes from the central balance of the body. The body is still, with all body parts kept “in”. Nothing is fully extended if unnecessary. She is upright and balanced. Her head is erect unless it is necessary to look down. It is as though she walks around with an invisible book on her head.

She doesn’t clap her hands when gesturing, slap someone on the back. She doesn’t rummage. Every action is purposeful and necessary. Hands are placed neatly by the side, head looking up, and she is not fidgety or moving or jerking unnecessarily. She moves seamlessly like a sloth, an elegant sloth. (I’m sorry, I know sloth seldom used in a positive way, but just google the way the sloth moves… it is seamless. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have an ‘elegant’ posture so it doesn’t look regal at all.)

She doesn’t jerk and turn around suddenly, even if she realized she is going the wrong way. There are a lot of pauses, waiting to see if she is in anyone’s way. Her eyes look straight ahead or at you (without gazing) or is focused and not darting around.

Her head is still as well with no sudden turns to left or right. She will not twist the neck awkwardly to look for something.

Whenever she carries or brings something, she thinks about the logistics about it. This might be an insignificant example but it did not come naturally for me. In Japan, we take the Metro a lot. Instead of always digging into the bag for the Metro card to tap out whenever we take a train, it will be in an accessible position, or a little small tote bag with frequently used items such as money purse, mobile phone, packet of tissues and the metro card.

The efficient way of life has enabled her to be still and elegant.

How the Japanese Woman has Inspired me

While I’m not the most fidgety person, I think I’ve grown more hurried and flustered (at least on the inside) due to the fast-pace life. I don’t often feel calm because I feel busy all the time.

When I’m on the train and whenever I have a few spare minutes, instead of staring out the window into the sunset, I’m on my phone (don’t judge me). I’m checking email and replying to my messages from Whatapp, Telegram, Linechat, Wechat, Facebook messenger, and messages from Instagram. Then I check my Instagram and IG stories so on and so forth. Then, perhaps I would read BBC news and check whatever shopping app to see what’s new. If I’m not on my phone, I’m making To-do lists in my diary or thinking about what else I need to get done.

In that way, I feel that is hard to be still in all aspects, mentally, spirtually, emotionally and that affects the physical aspect. I start to fidget, or get flustered. My attention seems to be divided and I’m multi-tasking all the time.

In Japan, when I look around, or whenever I interact with the Japanese, they look so calm, still and unhurried. I doubt they have significantly different lives from the rest of us. And yet, they are able to still have a sense of stillness and peace. And that is why they appear to be so elegant.

That made me reflect and inspired me to write this article.

While I was conscious of their calm-ness, I only realized recently the significance of stillness and its role in being elegant.

This concept was enforced when my guyfriend K joined (or rather, crashed) my trip for a day. I was on my yearly visit to my Japanese bestfriend R. K hasn’t been to Japan before, and so he hadn’t adjusted to their quiet, calm culture. He, being in his raw form and being himself, provided a visible contrast with R. This contrast helped me see clearly the differences in Japanese culture.

K was energetic, lively and spoke very fast. He was also very animated in his expressions. He often used his body to gesture his meaning and to communicate. He was also very casual in his manners. He was warm and friendly and excitable. He was spontaneous and energetic. Often, he was also unfocused. He could be talking about a topic and intersperse other topics in. He was fun to be around, but I wouldn’t say he was the most elegant. Indeed, there were some situations where I had wished he was more sensitive to the Japanese culture and followed (to appear more well-mannered)…especially in a country like Japan where manners were taken very seriously.

Now, if he were in some other countries or culture where it was more relaxed and less stiff, he would fit right in. Unfortunately, he stuck out like a sore thumb.

Now, I don’t think he was trying to be rude, in fact, he was trying to make my rather reserved Japanese friend feel comfortable and he tried so hard to be friendly. He spent the whole day talking to her, initiating and striking up fun conversations with many topics, showing her this that on the train, asking her so many questions (questions which he actually doesn’t really care about the answer, but she was diligently researching to find answers for). He hogged her attention of conversation on our walks on the way to any destination.

Initially, I tried to hint to him some things to be aware of, due to Japanese culture. And eventually I gave up. I knew that R will just bear with him due to her manners.

However, it was very confusing for my elegant Japanese friend. There were many moments where she paused, because she didn’t understand, or know what to say. She didn’t know what to say because she was used to thinking before speaking, considering what she was going to say, how it would affect someone, or how she came across. She wanted to be accurate in her meaning, at the same time not offend or disrespect anyone.

K would ask her direct questions, which she felt placed on the spot to answer. Questions such as, “Do you want to go to this theatrical cafe?”. “When are you going to London? Let me know, I will go with you.” “How about I join you for xxx?”

She looked at me hesitantly. That is because they probably take things literally and generally not in the habit of making this kind of small talk. She wouldn’t say, “Sure, I’ll let you know when I go to London”, to continue the small talk especially if she doesn’t mean it and certainly if she does not want to!

Also, because they (the Japanese) do not want to appear rude, they will always attempt to listen intently, and take your questions seriously. For instance, if you asked R about the most popular restaurant for Sushi, she will spend 15 minutes to research that for you. Thus, it was very tiring for her to constantly be engaged in a high-energy way.

On the train, he was talking loudly. He was animated, and distracting, flailing his arms everywhere. For the Japanese, their normal volume is almost inaudible as they prize quietness and so as not to disturb others. That also means that little noise easily irritate them. So R was actually feeling self-conscious and slightly disturbed. She was also trying to hint to him bits of Japanese culture, such as explaining how on the trains, we switch and carry the our backpacks in front, even if the backpacks are the ones for daily use and are small.

I was also an old friend, so he didn’t need to impress me, so I was pretty much ignored for the day. I think it was because he has never had a chance to socialize with a Japanese person before. He got so excited, he pretty much forgot to include me in conversation and was very dismissive whenever R tried to include me in conversation. She felt offended and told me afterwards.

But get this, I didn’t know she was offended. She only told me later when he left.

I, on the other hand, felt slightly embarrassed.

I was annoyed of course, but I didn’t want to ruin the day and kept my manners pleasant.

However, I’m glad to have that experience because it was through observation that I learned a thing or two more about elegance. The contrast between friendly and ‘loud’ K and reserved, elegant R reinforced the concept of stillness in relation to elegance.

I don’t think K meant to be rude at all (so don’t hate him!). He is a nice person, just… largely uncultured and unaware. I mean, I feel uncultured too and that’s why I make an effort to learn.

Now I’m not saying we have to mimic Japanese culture in order to be elegant. I believe elegance comes in different styles and forms, and we could just learn and be inspired but create our own sense of elegance.

In fact, to some extent, it was tiring. I had to be very sensitive because R doesn’t like to say no. In that way, I appreciate the Western culture of elegance of being direct but nice and polite in saying no. Sometimes I feel R overthinks things. Because they are so indirect, I’m often guessing and hoping I’ve not offended anyone. But the underlying principle is noble because these manners and etiquette had began out of respect and consideration for others.

Habit of Self-Reflection & Thinking Twice

Another interesting point to note about Japanese women and R was their “pause” which happened frequently in conversation. This ‘pause’ occurs during conversation because they are quietly considering what they are about to say. I’ll admit that I found it awkward at first, and they definitely appreciated my ‘natural-ness’ and ‘casualness’ because it put them at ease (as long as I do not make them uncomfortable).

This pause slows my natural (hurried) pace down. It calms me, gives me more time to think, and also compose myself. I became more conscious of my posture and my awareness of everything heightened. I found myself matching her pace and naturally being influenced by her posture and gestures. I learned how to be still.

That habit of self-reflection created a sense of stillness. As a result, she was always polite and considerate. She probably didn’t offend anyone or appear rude. She was pleasant and her manners impressed others. She was quite elegant.

She didn’t rush to respond or react out of emotion. (If I could do this better, I believe I will save myself a lot of trouble!)

Her habit of thinking before she speaks creates a slower pace of life. She often pauses to think, which is something I don’t do very much, I’ll admit. As a result, there is almost nothing rash in her actions.

I think I could use some of that.

Stillness can be learned

I believe the habit of stillness can be learned. On the weekends, I teach young children recreational ballet. They start at ages 3,4 or 5 and come into class running, screaming and bouncing off walls.

One of my favorite things to do to help me teach more efficiently and to instil discipline is this one exercise. I place these young children in a circle where they have to stand still and not move while I count one to twenty. It may not be easy for them in the beginning. They might giggle, cough, scratch, look at the ceiling, the mirror, touch their skirt. When they do, I start my counts from one again.

This exercise calms them down and it is easier for me to start teaching ballet. The parents stand outside amazed. Whenever I’m away, the relief teachers always comment about what a pleasure it is to teach my little ballet girls, and about how disciplined they are in class.

Unknowingly, I was teaching them the concepts of stillness.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I wrote this article because I want to remember my experience and reflections of that trip. I hope this may inspire you to prioritise some ways to be elegant. I’ve also read that meditation helps, and meditation is very useful in all aspects of life. Maybe that is what God meant and He wanted us to learn to be still, as the bible says, ““Be still, and know that I am God…” (Psalms 46:10)

Thanks for reading!

The post Be Still appeared first on elegantwoman.org.

I was inspired by this concept of being authentic and its relation to elegance during a conversation about recent events.

The main idea is this – that in order to be elegant, you must first be yourself, otherwise, any learned elegance (so-to-speak) is being pretentious. And, any whiff of pretentiousness has the OPPOSITE effect, namely, disgust.

Pretentiousness can appear in different forms, but due to the rise of social media, it has appeared more prevalently there.

One obvious place is on Instagram, and it was during my discussion with a friend that gave me the idea for this article.

We were chatting about the annoying self-proclaimed “dance photographers” on social media. In recent years, it became trendy to become a ‘dance photographer’. These hobbyist photographers burst unto the local dance scene, started clamouring over and overtly flattering dancers, giving out free photoshoots.

I understand the fascination with dancers. They are generally slim, long-limbed and can do seemingly amazing things like a split in the air and still look graceful and calm.

Although they produced relatively good pictures, they still didn’t get as many followers and likes on Instagram as one would expect they would – for the extent and the amount of effort put in.

This is because through their photos on Instagram we can see that they

1. have no love of dance
2. do not know or understand dance
3. have little respect of the art

We are tired of their exaggerated, superfluous captions and flattery, calling everybody and everything “amazing”. We are especially annoyed when clearly their picture is NOT AMAZING (from the dancer’s perspective).

The most ridiculous thing is that when these photographers are questioned further, almost all of them has never seen a ballet. Thus we do not understand absurdity of it. Why do you want to photograph dance if you’re not interested in it?  It felt superficial. They were doing this to gain LIKES and FOLLOWERS. Sure, if you want a cool picture, that’s okay, but don’t call yourself a dance photographer or write captions faking it as though you know what you’re talking about. As dancers, we feel they have made us into objects and have little respect of what we love so much.

But I bet they had no idea that we can see this. You can’t fake it especially to the people who are the real deal.

You can’t fake it especially to the people who are the real deal.

This is exactly the point I want to make. This is different from the motivational quote “Fake it until you make it”. The latter is about keeping your head high and remaining positive, channeling success before you actually become successful. It is not about being pretentious, or to lie about your achievements in order to achieve success.

Other examples of not being authentic include the girl who married well and is constantly boasting on social media the expensive restaurants her husband takes her to, her shopping, expensive handbags and luxury holidays.

There is also the cousin whose spending and lifestyle do not accurately reflect his real income.

It is not just those who buy expensive things to look rich or elegant. I also know of high-income friends from wealthy families who believe they have to match their material things with their status.

We can be pretentious (maybe unknowingly) in so many ways. Ways such as whatever image we want to project, or status, financial ability, popularity etc. We curate our images of lives to a level where it becomes fake news.

If you want to be elegant in both appearance and character, then you will not gain that this way because true elegance is rooted from being authentic.

Why do people pretend? Why do they behave in such a pretentious way?

They may have a wrong belief, thinking that portraying themselves in these ways leads to desired results. Some derive self-esteem and popularity from it. They probably also strongly believe that a certain image (that inauthentic one) is a way to happiness and fulfilment of their dreams.

Unfortunately that only reveals a sense of arrogance and dishonesty. It also shows a lack of character. I don’t know of anyone who is impressed or feel drawn to anybody pretentious. More often than not, they are unaware that others know the truth.

Also, I think to a certain extent, we all do it too. We pretend because we are insecure or embarrassed or are afraid of what others may think. The fear is real. We may fear rejection and believe the only way to cope is to pretend.

Elegance takes a higher road. It requires some humility by having that element of honesty with ourselves and with the world. This stems from acknowledging that we are all different, not perfect and to be at peace with that. Why compare? I’m not saying you should give up and resign to your lot in life, but to be self-aware and love yourself. And be okay with you. And not be in competition with the person next to you.

We all have our insecurities and shortcomings, but we also have our strengths and talents. Overcoming challenges is part of personal growth. Not being where you would like to be is just part of being human.

That is being authentic and there is something very elegant about that. So the point of being authentic is about knowing who you are and being all that you are.

The point of being authentic is about knowing who you are and being all that you are.

And to accurately presenting that to the world. Less focus on the superficial.

To know yourself, and be yourself is the only way we can serve others and lead a purpose-driven life, instead of one based on pretence and keeping up with the Joneses. It is also about not being afraid to show the world who you are. That just gains respect.

How to be authentic?

#1 Don’t pretend (but you don’t have to explain either).

Don’t let anything about you be about pretense. Try not to fake anything. I’m not going to write a list of things because it can easily get legalistic. It is more about the principle of “not faking”. (Audrey hepburn wouldn’t even fake the size of her chest by wearing a push up bra).

Some traditionalists think faking hair color, eye color, plastic surgery is all a no-go.

I’m not that extreme. I mean, I love highlighting my hair and I love extreme mascara for my asian lashes.

My point is, be a genuine person. Sure, if you love make up and stuff, go for it! There is a difference between loving an item because you think it’s very YOU, and not because it is of a certain brand that all the socialites carry.

You can always ask yourself, “does this thing (or doing whatever____ thing) reflect me accurately?”

I remember watching an interview of Benjamin Millepied (Natalie Portman’s husband) on YouTube. He quickly clarified with the journalist that he owned a “one person company” (well, back then). He created that company in order to bill other companies for his choreographic work and accounting purposes. He did not have staff working for him. He felt it was important to portray himself accurately. He wasn’t a big businessman with a big company.

I remembered thinking how humble he sounded. Why didn’t he let the reporter think he is more successful than he actually was? (Maybe because he already married Natalie Portman. Haha!)

So even if you aren’t proud of what you have or are right now, practice saying matter-of-factly. You don’t need to fake-smile or laugh, neither do you have to reveal your circumstances in a way that makes others uncomfortable but hold your dignity. Neither do you have to explain or talk about anything you are uncomfortable with.

#2 Get to know yourself (again).

In our different stages of life, we all have different levels of self-awareness. Learn to get to know yourself again like you would to someone interesting.

Take some fun questionnaires that may bring different perspectives of yourself.

You may discover or realize what your true strengths are and where your passions lie. Try to think of them as your special secret super power, ones that God has blessed you with. Hone them even more! Be proud of what you have, make the best of it. Let those things be part of your identity. They are real, they are yours, they are you.

#3 Don’t be embarrassed. Learn this phrase, “SO WHAT?”

We all have stuff in our lives whose memory of it makes us cringe. Sometimes this embarrassment ONLY lives in our head.

Sometimes what we feel embarrassed about is NOTHING to be embarrassed about! This means that after we “confess” or reveal our embarrassment, we soon realize that no one ELSE finds it embarrassing. It was all such self-perception and self-torture.

So we made a mistake. So we’re a little overweight. So we may not be married, or have kids or we got divorced again. Maybe we got let go or fired again.

This is how you should respond

SO WHAT?

So what if we have all those things and made all those mistakes? So what? We have our mistakes, and everyone else will have their own.

We are not all here to judge, and why bother? There are too many things in life that need our attention. Stop feeling embarrassed right now and just respond with “SO WHAT?”

Practice speaking about such stuff in a matter-of-fact and in a non-embarrassing way. Don’t need to hide for 20 years just because your life didn’t turn out in in the way you expected (it never does, does it).

After a while, you will find that the confidence grows!

So what if I can’t afford luxury items? So what if I drive a bomb (cranky old car)? So what if I’m not friends with the rich and famous (like you are)? So what if I don’t dine at fine dining restaurants etc.?

There will always be people who enjoy boasting and bragging – for what, I don’t know. Maybe it is to feel superior. Their low-self esteem makes them feel the need to constantly elevate themselves. But don’t let them get to you, that is on them. You choose to be proud of yourself and what you have done with what you’ve been given.

Be yourself, be positive and don’t be afraid of being authentic. You can still lead a meaningful, purposeful life no matter what your circumstances. And living it in an authentic way is respectful and elegant.

The thing is…You don’t need money to be authentic. You just need a positive outlook on life and self love.

Let everything about you reflect accurately who you are.

One doesn’t need to pretend to be successful or intelligent or popular or whatever. There is increasing temptation to do so as we live in a world of curated images via social media. If someone assesses and values you in a superficial way then really, they probably aren’t anyone worth getting to know.

Have a dream to be the best version of who you are, the way God has designed you. Don’t try to be like someone else or live someone else’s life. Explore your strengths and talents and LIVE IT! Commit to be authentic, and I believe you will find greater joy and happiness in living an honest and elegant life, making the best of everything.

Thanks for reading!

The post Be Authentic appeared first on elegantwoman.org.

I tried to be strong, and by strong, I mean pushing my emotions aside or started talking and b***ching about it wherever I go and whoever could listen. That also brought out unhappy and awkward situations because maybe the listening friend or family member weren’t saying something that sounded understanding, or it simply wasn’t the response I was looking for, and that only resulted in more unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

On top of that, if that weren’t enough, I had to still face the people who had betrayed me. In one of the two situations, I still had to work with them and see them in the office regularly. I felt humiliated and angry and UNVALUED. My self-confidence plummeted somewhat, and suddenly I was suspicious of everyone. That was not a good place to be in.

I believe every woman will experience this at some point of their life, whether it is in a smaller scale or something major. It hurts. And while you can’t change what happened, you can still maintain your dignity and rise above to be that elegant woman you are.

When you are betrayed

The initial few emotions would be shock, disappointment, hurt and in my case ANGER!

If you tend to be as passionate as I am, you suddenly want to take revenge and think of all ways to make that person regret it.

Why?

First of all, your ego or self-esteem is hurt. You never expected that the friend who deem you of such low importance, that he/she would risk losing you in his/her act of betrayal. I mean, if you had a very valuable friend in your life, would you do anything to risk losing that friend? No! The friend obviously calculated his/her move to would sacriifce your supposed friendship.

Secondly, you didn’t see it coming. Otherwise you wouldn’t feel betrayed. We all have the tendency to be want to in control of our lives and unexpected circumstances make us feel the “loss of control”. That throws us off and this throws us in shock.

The disappointment and hurt sets in because you’ve realized your friendship or relationship or the circumstance wasn’t as good and solid as you had thought. It is similar to an unrequited love just that you didn’t know it. You had thought things were going well, you thought you meant more as a friend to them. What is worse is that you valued them so much as a friend, but when the opportunity came for them to get what they want if they sacrificed you, they took it. That simply meant they did not value you or your friendship as much as you thought they would.

Their act of betrayal may have brought negative consequences to your life. You got thrown under the bus. They took credit for their work. They got the promotion. They copied your idea. They are full of praise to your face but were bad-mouthing you behind your back. As a result of their betrayal, you get ostracised in the office or in your current social circle. Your work gets unnoticed or unattributed. You get passed over for that promotion. You get blamed for something that you didn’t do. They performed better than you because they implemented your idea first. Other people get affected because someone betrayed your trust and things were taken our of context and no amount of explaining will cut it.

On top of that, the betrayal hurt me the most because I felt used.

These people that had betrayed me – I had been helping them and have done a few favors for them PRIOR to the betrayal. When they betrayed me, not only I was hurt because I felt unvalued in their eyes, I was also very annoyed because they owe me! They had social debt to me but I was simply a tool to be used to get ahead.

Warning: long personal story ahead. Skip the next section to read about my reflections on how to cope with betrayal in an elegant manner.

It took me about 2 years to get over the first significant betrayal by two girlfriends. We are no longer friends, but act cordial to each other. I don’t think they were ever sorry for what they did but now I see them for who they truly are. They were a tight knit group that are similar, and use people to obtain prestige and material things. They were not looking for any other friendship because they have each other.

The second betrayal happened was by a male and female colleague. The female colleague was the male’s colleagues boss and even though I had nothing to do with her (I didn’t work with her) – she made things difficult for the male colleague who had to work with me. Looking back, in the past when I HAD TO WORK WITH HER, the root cause was jealousy because I was always commended at work in front of her (she was my junior then). She did one unforgivable thing, that was to pass off my work as hers to our boss then. And she did and is still doing all those political things (such as bootlicking female bosses) and using girlish behaviours to talk to male bosses to get ahead. I didn’t judge her for that and just minded my own business.

I left my workplace for a year and half to gain my ballet teaching certification and came back finding her promoted. I forgave her because I thought it had happened so long ago, and also because in my current job, I didn’t have to work with her. However for a whole year, I didn’t know she was doing those things behind my back. The male colleague acted on her wishes, in order to get promoted. Prior to my knowledge of this, the male colleague and I worked well together and had a amicable friendship too. I even helped him by standing up for him at work twice, and also helped a personal favor when he asked for some help for his personal projects. I just didn’t think he would sacrificed my friend-work-relationship that way for his promotion.

Since I had to directly work with him on a day-today basis, I confonted him about it and I thought I did the right thing. I was a little angsty when speaking to him but his response further shocked me. He claimed officially he didn’t do any wrong and I had no evidence. It was then I had realized that I was nothing but a tool to keep his job. Maybe I’m not worth “keeping” since he had to please his jealous boss, but I felt he could have spoke to me in a gentler and honest way. And I do feel sorry for him that he truly believes he has to play all these political games to get ahead. That is where his trust is. He doesn’t trust himself or have the self-confidence to have faith and believe that good working relationships, quality work and a strong work ethic is really all you need.

I felt all those emotions again, but for a lot shorter and I am able to maintain a sense of dignity and be at peace. Here are some lessons that I’ve learned through these betrayals…

How To Recover From Betrayal Elegantly

UGLY emotions are natural

When you are betrayed, it is natural for you to feel all those emotions. No one likes feeling betrayed. It is very hurtful and sometimes the feeling of disappointment is far too great.

Don’t beat yourself up over it. Some well-meaning friends will tell you to ‘feel better’ by some words of encouragement. They may feel frustrated when you are not feeling better (or immediately). Perhaps it takes a person who has gone through some significant betrayal to really understand.

The best thing you can do to yourself is to acknowledge those awful feelings. It is a natural process of healing. What you can do is tell yourself it is okay that you are feeling that way. Give yourself some time. You will feel all those feelings again especially when you’re alone. Just let yourself feel down. It is alright, it will soon pass.

Should you do something?

That depends. If the person who has betrayed you has done something illegal in the process that affects others or you in a grossly significant way, then you have legal cause to pursue it. Otherwise, sometimes it is better to do nothing although revenge feels sweet! In the case of my colleagues, the male colleague and female boss seem to have something going on, even though the female boss is married. I didn’t know the whole of last year she has been snooping at my personal life – why does it even matter?

I’ve had thoughts of throwing them under the bus, exposing them or catching them…but I’ve since let it go. If you have these thoughts coming to you as well, don’t beat yourself up for it. You are not an awful person, it is just natural to have these thoughts. Just try not to entertain them too much.

Why? It is not your job to punish anyone. Leave it to the laws and enforcers of justice. If you believe in God, trust that the Lord will take care of it, and He will take care of you. Entertaining these thoughts will just ruin your elegant countenance. I believe beautiful thoughts, right believing will help a woman grow more beautiful, regardless of age. Thus, vice versa, you don’t want the sour expression when you’re having these thoughts to be permanently on your face!

Should you tell others?

Yes, in moderation. I don’t believe it is healthy to keep these raging emotions bottled all inside. I’ll admit that I feel tonnes better when I tell someone and get it off my chest. Say it once and don’t repeat it. While explaining your situation, you may come across angry and emotional and that is just natural. Just try not to rage, but speak of it as naturally and fairly as possible. Don’t make up stories about how you think they are immoral – stuff that can’t be verified. Stick cleanly to your interpretation of what happened. Don’t forget that your listener probably will not hear the other side of the story, so as much as angry as you are, try to be fair because of YOUR ELEGANT CHARACTER and not because of how unfairly you have been treated.

Of course, before I wrote this, I told a few people several times in my anger and I regret it. Not that it had any consequences but because I didn’t want to be that person.

Remind yourself of the person you want to be

This helps. I had always want to be the bigger person.

I actually approached the guy who betrayed me to make amends but he just acted even haughtier (even after his promotion) and I realized he thinks I’m unimportant and beneath him. That made me angry all over again, but I got over the 2nd time much quicker. That is because I realized truly that I had mistaken him in the first year of working with him. Naively I tend to take a person at face value. And I simply reminded myself of the woman I am and want to be. I acted as elegantly with dignity as possible with character, and if he behaves this way, that is his choice of being that kind of person.

For the jealous female boss (not my boss), I now know what she is up to. I will no longer bother to be friendly but will remain professional. I have done nothing to her and if she thinks acting this way will get ahead in life, then she will reap what she sows. I will not be that woman. I will not be her.

Go about your business with faith

It sounds hard, but go about your business no matter how you feel. Turn up for work, do your job and remain professional. You don’t have to quit your job or that situation if you don’t want to. Some well-meaning friends tell me to leave, since it was making me unhappy at work. I had considered, but upon reflection, I’ve realized I love my job and why should I give up something like love just because they had tried to make things unpleasant? I don’t want to feel like I’m running away as well.

If it is in a personal setting, you don’t have to be friends with those who betrayed you (unless they realized it was a mistake and are truly sorry, you may consider). Just count the friends and family who love you. Stay with the winners, stay with the people who inspire you. Continue living and working for the life you want. Continue to grow to become the person you want to be.

You may feel okay sometimes, but get all hurt again at other times. That is just natural and part of the healing process. Time happens and only after some time you will start to feel better. It may never go away – you will always remember this sore point in your life. But that simply makes you a better and more compassionate person. If ever a loved one finds herself in a similar situation, you will surely understand in ways others may not.

Have faith and believe that things will turn out for the best. Keep your blinders on and not look at anyone else, or at the progress or the success of the betrayer. Just mind your own business and go on your merry way. You are not those people, and you will never be.

Don’t forget who you are

In your down times, don’t forget who you are. You are a loved, valuable person. Don’t forget others who need you. You are a person who is committed to be best version of you, that’s why you’re here, reading this article! Remember all those who love you, and remember that you’ve got so much to give and to love. Let’s not waste another moment of our feelings, time and emotions on people or matters that are just not worth it.

Keep investing in yourself by reading good books, listening to good music, take a dance class, skip through the gardens, hug a dog or a cat or go for a run – laugh at some silly sitcom comedy. Enjoy and appreciate life – because we need more people like you in this world to show the way and help others.

Thanks for reading! Sending God’s love to you… xoxo

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Good morning from Tokyo!

For some reason, I got up extra early this morning which is very different from yesterday, when I could barely drag myself out of bed! I’m not sure if it is jet lag, because it was inconsistent.

It was too early for breakfast so I spent the next hour or so lying in bed, thinking and reflecting. I thought about the book I had finished yesterday,

Unequal Childhoods: Class, Race, and Family Life

and how it clashes with a previous book I read

Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn–and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less

and also how is it relevant to these books that I also read The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home (Third Edition)

and The Well-Educated Mind: A Guide to the Classical Education You Never Had

which was the root of my Education section on elegantwoman.org

Baby ballet – a recent phenomenon.

In short, Annette Lareau, author of unequal childhoods concluded that children whose schedules are jam-packed with activities have a brighter future than those just ‘left to their own devices’ to grow up naturally in society today.

DESPITE the observations that the privileged children seem to be more self-centered, entitled and mean (to their siblings). AND also that they spend more time questioning and challenging authority (parents, teachers etc) and the tremendous economic burdens and time constraints their classes and grueling schedule is placed on their family, namely parents.

Why? It is because employers view a child learning and benefiting more from soccer practice than watching two hours of television (just to summarize).

The book is not quite what I expected. It is essentially a study of about eighty families from a variety of economic background from the poor, working class and middle class. Annette basically describes the house, the home, income, how the kids and family spent their time, school, relationships between the school, church, siblings and parents, teachers, peers, neighbours etc etc. So I’ve pretty much spent most of my time reading about how families live with a couple of comparisions at each concluding paragraph. The real juice is probably the last chapter; chapter 12 “The Power of Limits of Social Class” where it concludes the study and findings.

To me, the most interesting part of the book is its statement that up until recently … well, the period after 1920 was a dramatic decline in the economic contribution of children. In the past, children were seen as someone who contributes to the family in terms of work for example, farm hands, flower picking, tag tying, baby sitting. In colonial America, a boy of 6 and 7 was expected to move out of his parents home to live with a skilled craftsman as an apprentice (like in Great Expectations).

Children working in the garden.

She writes (shortened):

…it appears that it was for only a relatively brief historical period that children were granted long stretches of leisure time with unstructured play. In the period after world war 2, children were permitted to play for hours on end. Other than going to church, few organized activities children participated began at a later age than is typical today. The “institutionalization of children’s leisure” and the rise of concerted cultivation more generally are recently developments”

Hmmm…. my conclusion?

I’m generally a big fan of education. Though that is a recent statement for me because I’ve only changed my view of education about maybe 2-5 years ago. While I was in the education system, I was more interested in other intelligences and felt that academia was too rigid, recognizes only 2-3 out of the 10-15 types of intelligences and stifles creativity. I never believed in papers (read certificates) as well though I have some (haha).

After reading the book, I would say my education style – or the approach I was brought up in – was definitely poor or working class. I was left to my own devices and allowed to play as much as I wanted all the time. However, I was also privileged enough to attend ballet, piano, art, swimming classes though I never took them seriously. My mother had never withheld books from me. I was a bookworm. I believe in my time, a child’s life was not as serious as it is now.

Personally, I felt my real education began too late. I would think that maybe it started when I was about 17-19? But I only stepped it up maybe a year or two ago. I constantly find myself playing the game of catch up.

Though I don’t have children yet, I was reading these books for work and interest trying to figure out why people I admire behave the way they do…as well as writing for elegantwoman.org.

I think, exposure and environment and positivity and having role models are some of the most important in raising a child and anyone can make it work within whatever economic budget. Of course, it will be easier with a larger budget. However, I do not believe in jam packing schedules that makes the child dependent on being spoon-fed and easily bored requiring the parent to entertain or conjure some activity for him. Of course, this is a very watered down version of my opinion because it would be a couple of pages if I wrote completely what I thought.

Hmmm. Thanks for your company on this blogpost. I think it’s time to drag Colin out of bed for breakfast.

The post Unequal Childhoods – Class, Race and Family Life appeared first on elegantwoman.org.

What I love about some classic books is the beauty of their play with words, a glimpse into the past and culture and the ability to relate to the same hopes, fears and dreams. They are the reasons why I read some books over and over again.

Some of my favourite passages from Out of Africa

“But a coffee-plantation is a thing that gets hold of you and does not let you go, and there is always something to do on it: you are generally just a little behind you work.” (pg 16)

Sounds like my curious job of building websites.

“Out in the wilds I had learned to beware of abrupt movements. The creatures with which you are dealing there are shy and watchful, they have a talent for evading you when you least expect it. No domestic animal can be as still as a wild animal. The civilized people have lost the aptitude of stillness, and must take lessons in silence from the wild before they are accepted by it. The art of moving gently, without suddenness, is the first to be studied by the hunter, and more so by the hunter with the camera.” (pg 24)

I love how she describes the art of moving gently – certainly rare in our society these days.

“The love of woman and womanliness is a masculine characteristic, and the love of man and manliness is a feminine characterstic…” (pg 24)

“As it is almost impossible for a woman to irritate a real man, and as to the woman, a man is never quite contemptible, never altogether rejectable, as long as he remains a man…”(pg 24)

About men and women and how I believe it is supposed to be.

“People who dream when they sleep at night know of a special kind of happiness which the world of the day holds not, a placid ecstasy, and ease of heart, that are like honey on the tongue. They also know that the real glory of dreams lies in their atmosphere of unlimited freedom. (pg 82)

I remember my childhood directive approach to my dreams, especially those minutes in my bed as I go to sleep at night…

“So I went to bed, taking a book with me, and leaving the lamp to burn. In Africa, when you pick up a book worth reading, out of the deadly consignments which good ships are being made to carry out all the way from Europe, as you read it as an author would like his book to be read, praying to God that he may have it in him to go on as beautifully as he has begun. Your mind runs, transported, upon a fresh deep green track.” (pg 85)

“My own books I packed up in cases and sat on them, or dined on them. Books in a colony play a different part of your existence from what they do in Europe; there is a whole side of your life which there they alone take charge of; and on this account, according to their quality, you feel more grateful to them, or more indignant with them, than you will ever do in civilized countries.” (pg 309)

Books: Another form of living, another form of dreaming – it is a way to live several lives at once. 

“I had been on the farm longing to get away, and they came back to it longing for books and linen sheets and the cool atmosphere in a big shuttered room; by their camp fires they had been meditating upon the joys of farm life..” (pg 178)

“As far as Berkeley Cole and Denys Finch-Hatton were concerned, my house was a communist establishment. Everything in it was theirs, and they took a pride in it, and brought home things they felt to be lacking. They kept the house up to a high standard in wine and tobacco, and got books and gramophone records out from Europe for me. Berkeley arrived with his car loaded up with turkey’s eggs, and oranges from his own farm in Mount Kenya. They both had the ambition to make me a judge of wine, as they were, and spent much time and thought on the task. They took greatest pleasure in my Danish table glass and china, and used to build up on the dinner table a tall shining pyramid of all my glass, the one piece on top of the other; they enjoyed the sight of it.” (Pg 183- 184)

The pleasures and joys of a well-loved home.

“Denys had a trait of character which to me was very precious, he liked to hear a story told….Fashions have changed, and the art of listening to a narrative has been lost in Europe. The Natives of Africa, who cannot read, have still got it; if you begin to them: ‘There was a man who walked out on the plain, and there he met another man,’ you have them all with you, their minds running upon the unknown track of the men on the plain. But white people, even if they feel that they ought to, cannot listen to a recital. If they do not become fidgety, and remember things that should be done at once, they fall asleep. The same people will ask you for something to read, and may then sit all through an evening absorbed in any kind of print handed them, they will even then read a speech. They have been accustomed to take in their impressions by the eye.
Denys, who lived much by the ear, preferred hearing a tale told to reading it; when he came to the farm he would ask: ‘Have you got a story?’ (pg 194)

The art of listening – a real treasure seldom truly practised.

“The giraffes turned their delicate heads from the one side to the other, as if they were surprised, which they might well be. They had not seen the sea before. They could only just have room to stand in the narrow case. The world had suddenly shrunk, changed and closed round them.
They could not know or imagine the degradation to which they were sailing. For they were proud and innocent creatures, gentle amblers of the great plains; they had not the least knowledge of captivity, cold, stench, smoke and mange, nor of the terrible boredom in a world in which nothing is ever happening.” (pg 257)

My love-hate relationship with zoos; as well as representation of self-inflicted prisons.

“The people of the farm who grieved most at my departure were I think the old women. The old Kikuyu women have had hard life and have themselves become flint-hard under it. Like old mules which will bite you if they can come to it. They were more difficult for any disease to kill off than their men, as I learned in my practice as a doctor, and they were wilder than the men, and, even more thoroughly than they, devoid of the faculty of admiration. They had borne a number of children ,and had seen many of them die; they were afraid of nothing.
…
The old women took a keen interest in everything that was going on on the farm, and would walk ten miles to look at a Ngoma of the young people; a joke. or a cup of tembu, would make their wrinkled toothless faces dissolve in laughter. This strength. and love of life in them, to me seemed not only highly respectable. but glorious and bewitching. The old women of the farm and I had always been friends. ” (pg 325-326)

The true glory of living

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