Why? The simple reason is because of modern society. Strangely, we live in a world of modern conveniences supposedly trying to help us save time but we often find ourselves strapped for time. With “less” time, I make many purchases on impulse without researching carefully or even giving purposeful thought on whether I could make-do with something else and of course I don’t have time to declutter!

And also, buying things has gotten a lot easier. I shop quite a bit on my phone. It is easy! When I’m doing boring things, I look to my phone for entertainment and shopping is some sort of entertainment. It is so easy to get lured in and get excited about something and click “BUY”! That results in careless, in-elegant purchases.

Also when you have too many things, it is just hard to be elegant. There is so much more to put away, your dresser doesn’t look elegant because it is all cluttered.

It is also easier to get more overwhelmed with stuff if your family members are also sucked into buying more stuff, such as your mother, husband or if you have children.

Maybe I’m bored but I get into phases where I treat shopping like entertainment. I get excited, my mind runs wild with the many ideas and images of myself holding/using this new shiny thing that is sitting in my shopping cart. When I’m tired from work and the whole run-of-the-mill everyday life, I find myself thinking with glee, “What can I buy today?” (because I’m seeking the endorphins from actually accumulating something) – to just add a little spark in my eye and skip in my step.

Let me just say, I’m not against buying stuff. I’m also not Marie Kondo and not against stuff. I’m thankful for the invention of plastic though I had to make changes in my lifestyle habits to be a more responsible consumer. Also my job is reliant on sales, and everyone is reliant on production to keep the economy going. So I’m not here to preach about the environment but I just want to say that it is about being as responsible as possible.

So as I was reflecting the other day, well-aware I have too much stuff lying around and my lack of de-cluttering, I remembered clearly about 3 instances in my life my relationship with stuff changed extraordinarily and that became the inspiration for this post. I want to explore why my approach to stuff changed in those moments and how I can draw lessons to have a healthier and more elegant relationship with stuff.

First Event: Stuck in immigration for 48 hours

I was stuck in the airport (horribly) in US immigration. It was an awful memory but I’ll share it here with you. Somehow there was an error processing my visa (this was years before I became a permanent resident) electronically and I didn’t know until I arrived in San Francisco airport. I was travelling alone and I guess that made it look suspicious. Long story short, I had to go to a special room where they questioned me like I was a terrorist, confiscated my phone and also went through all my stuff. After almost 12-18 hours, they decided they will not let me in the USA and decided on putting me on the next plane home. As a result I had to sleep in a random locked room in the airport on the carpet with officers overseeing me (with big floor to ceiling windows where I can see planes thank GOD), and I was allowed to pick a few of my things to make the rest of the night more comfortable.

When I was waiting for them to “process” my case, I only had my carry-on bag. They already confiscated my phone but luckily I had another one which I used it to secretly text my family about my situation. I couldn’t use it because they might confiscate it again, and also I needed to save batteries so I can use it again later. I was obviously very upset but had to hold it together. As I’ve witnessed other people in the same situation as me… if you cried, the immigration officers got even more agitated and started yelling. Therefore I just sat quietly and tried to be as calm as possible.

I had plenty of time to think, when I took a break from reading. I had no phone, and I only had a small bag of possessions. In such a vulnerable situation, everything I had with me became very precious. It might sound cliche, but I had a new appreciation for my stuff. I believe because it was familiar, and all the memories of my stuff came back. I was going to throw/give away the backpack I had. It wasn’t broken, it simply didn’t spark joy anymore. It was still in perfect form, clean and could be used for a long time. I appreciated the book I had, because now I had so much time to read (since I can’t use my phone). Everything I had, I took out and looked at it, smelt it and memories of all the times I had used those things came back. None of the things I had on me were precious before and now they have become. I found myself treasuring those few possessions.

When they wheeled out my checked-in bag later for me to get more fresh clothes, I was so happy to see my beat-up bag. I was almost delirious as I opened my luggage and saw all my familiar clothes etc. I gathered them preciously and took what I needed for the night. And for the rest of the time during this awful experience, I cherished my possessions like never before.

Second Event: Camping

This was way earlier, in my teen years. I had to camp out on an island SURVIVOR style as part of my leadership training. As for a citygirl like me, who doesn’t like sweaty summers or the tropical climate and “roughing” it out, any suffering for me would be a ski trip (please don’t judge). I hated spiders, ants and especially mosquitos, actually all kinds of bugs. So I wasn’t looking forward to this camp. Nevertheless, during the camp, I changed somewhat. And it also gave me a new sense of confidence that I could survive. Sure there were huge bugs, and a spider even shot a venomous liquid at my friend, but wow we built our own toilet, camp site, cooked our own food and washed with some seawater. We survived the heat of the day and chill of the night. I would say my camping experience was somewhat life-changing. It made me realize that I actually do not need most of the stuff I own. When I returned from my camping trip, I became less fashionable and would go out in simple clothes and my own family was shocked (haha). But alas, as I returned to city life and my city ways came back too.

Third Event: Hospitalization

In 2019, I was hospitalised for almost 2 months. I was allocated to the high-risk ward and doctors discouraged visitors in case of being exposed to infection. I won’t go into details – I’m fine and healthy now (no, the corona virus didn’t exist then). It felt like I was in some sort of prison. I had no interest in watching TV and mostly I kept to myself. My mind ran wild with insecurity, stress and emotion. After I spent the first week organizing my work/job situation, I realized I could do some work from the hospital. Even though I had no mood to work, I had to keep things going.

That made me realize again what few things I need. I simply had a laptop, some toiletries, kindle and snacks. Food and clothing was provided for the hospital. I worked in the mornings, took the afternoons off to just reflect, read, play games on my phone. And I remember this clearly – I had no desire to SHOP AT ALL. I didn’t even bother to surf my favorite shopping websites. I wasn’t interested in their new collections, I had no desire to see what others were wearing. I didn’t need any new clothes, make up, bags, shoes and all the trinkets. Even my work which had been so important to me prior to my hospitalization – didn’t seem to matter as much anymore.

Just to illustrate the context in the situation I was in, I was hospitalized indefinitely. I didn’t know when I would be discharged. Of course I was allowed to roam around the hospital, and I could take home leave to go home for a few hours, but the hospital discouraged it as it just increases risks for complications.

I remembered thinking – is this what is it like to be at the tail end of life? When you have lived your life and are old and grey, possibly in bed most of the time (sorry for the morbid thought but these were the thoughts that ran through my mind at that time) … is this what it feels like?

So to conclude on stuff, elegance and our relationship with stuff, this is what I have realized.

1. Stuff is important

You need your stuff. Sure, declutter but be grateful that you own them because they serve you and actually make a difference in your life! Be thankful that you are rich enough to afford what you have. When my “freedom” was taken away like in the airport and in hospital, my stuff mattered to me more than ever before.

2. We buy stuff sometimes out of entertainment and sometimes because of exciting advertising lures. Our environment also greatly influences our need for stuff

We get inspired by exciting marketing campaigns that convinces us that we need a new phone. We also shop because it is entertainment. Our environment which includes the company we keep also influences our need for stuff more than we realize. Many times these things do bring us happiness so let’s not discount that. I think just to be aware of this when you buy stuff and simply remind yourself to be a conscious consumer. Also, don’t forget that the more stuff you have, the more you have to clean and organize and eventually declutter. It is also harder to be more elegant if you have alot of stuff.

3. Sparking joy in your stuff also depends on context/situation

As cliche as it sounds, it is true that we only appreciate what we have when we don’t have it anymore. How can we apply this principle to our life? In the same situation when suddenly I don’t have unlimited access to my stuff, everything around me sparked joy again. Is there a situation where you can regulate excess and access so that your relationship with stuff is healthier? I haven’t figured it out but I find that by rotating toys, my daughter has definitely renewed her interest in them. Maybe I should rotate my possessions. Trying to delay my buying has worked, as well as not browsing shopping sites when I’m bored (to a limited extent) and trying to find other sources of entertainment (like reading into current Meghan Markle fiasco – haha!). Also, I enjoy the re-usable life! I enjoy using and making things that I can reuse again and again, and find that I get the same endorphins when I wash a resuable item again, as when I purchased something new

4. Stuff will matter less eventually

As we experience life, certain events will make us realize that all our stuff, doesn’t matter as much as it used to. So no matter what is happening now, enjoy your stuff! Don’t save the best stuff for later. I remind myself to use all my best stuff regularly (I’m one of those saving types). I don’t feel we should aspire to the ultimate zen life where things don’t matter at all, but I think we should just enjoy and appreciate the things we have and acknowledge how much they have served us.

5. Use what you need, use the best and simplify as much as you can

Use what you need, take what you need and try to have less or just restrict having “a little excess” to your favorite things/hobby. If you need something, try to make-do first, instead of responding by running to the store to solve that problem by buying something. Spend time outside, with your loved ones when you’re bored and enjoy some craft using existing materials. Also try to creative and repurpose things – that does feel satisfying. It will also help you realize you don’t need most of your things.

Alright, that’s all for now! Thank you for reading my reflections about stuff! Let me know what you think by commenting below.

A commentary of acquiring elegance for the use of everything else but clothes!

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Handbags

While designer bags are an obsession by many women, choosing the right bag for your outfit still remains a skill to be honed.

It doesn’t matter how expensive your bag is, the truth is, there is no such thing as a bag for ‘everything’. Do not confuse that with the everyday bag. You needn’t possess a large number of bags, but learning how to think about your lifestyle, your needs, and your wardrobe – is the first step to editing and building an effective elegant wardrobe.

For the morning – keep it very simpleFor the evening – a little dressier, a little shinier, and much smaller.

Like all things that you possess, the quality of the leather or fabric is very important. A ‘fake leather’ or ‘pseudo leather’ may completely cheapen your outfit (this applies to shoes as well).

Try to buy the best quality (note – not designer) that you can afford.

Take some time to study the finishing, the leather (and how it endures scratches) and also the insides of the bag, the zips, the lining.

I used to buy very cheap fashion bags and I got bored of them quickly. I assumed that because I was tired of the fashion but I soon realized why I’ve lost interest and discarded it quickly is because

1) I’ve failed to really fulfill what I needed. I’ve bought a bag that truly have not met my need.
2) The material and construction was so poor that sooner or later I was embarrassed to carry the bag.
3) It didn’t cost me much, and so I didn’t value the bag. If I added up all the 10 cheap fashion bags that I bought, I could have afforded a really nice one. Instead of buying a bag every month, I could buy a bag every 8 months and be perfectly satisfied for a long time.

Not to mention that having too many bags clutters up your wardrobe and frustrates your process of getting dressed.

Size of the bag matters. Put your usual things in it and stand at the mirror. Does it make you look a little silly? Does it make you look like you were going away for the weekend?

I’m all for de-cluttering and carrying only the essentials. Get rid of extra cards in your wallets, mints and gum, brochures, receipts etc. Clean out your bag everyday, if not every week!

To avoid too much digging into one’s bag, group things together and place them in little cosmetic bags.

For instance, lip gloss, lipstick etc goes into one bag. Sanitary materials with tissue paper goes into another. You should only need one pen and a diary and they should probably be together. etc.

Scarves

There is something elegant about scarves. There are many ways to wear one. Experiment! Or search through older magazines to see how it was worn.

Perfume

I think its very subtly sexy to have a signature scent. Its wonderful to use perfume based on your mood. I know the old saying goes, “spray on the air and walk into it!”, but I don’t think we should do that anymore because perfume is not made as concentrated as it used to be.

Rather, hold the bottle at some distance from you, and spray! Spray some unto your wrists, and then on your fingers and dab behind your ears and neck. If you feel like it, spray a little on your hair!

You don’t have confine the perfume to your body, spray it on in your purse, your pillows, your room!

Unfortunately, the way perfumes work these days is that they never last more than a couple of hours. If its possible, keep a miniature one in your purse and spritz a little throughout the day.

Hats

Too bad in modern society, we have neglected the use of hats – how elegant they are!

It has given way to trucker caps, baseball caps.

When I travel in some countries, I see the mature folk still hanging on to their hats, whenever they are in town. How I pay tribute to them!

If you can, do wear them! Wear them proud, and maybe we’ll be leaders in making its comeback. They act as good protection for the hair, scalp and face!

Umbrellas

We can never stop the rain so this is a classic accessory! They are so cheap these days, we often find ourselves buying rather silly looking umbrellas.

If you only can buy one umbrella, buy a small portable one for modern conveniences in BLACK or BEIGE. Black will last longer because the beige will soon have rain water stains. Beige is a touch more feminine though.

Stay away from silly colorful umbrellas as they almost never match our outfits unless you are wearing a white top.

To take elegance to another level, get those with lace trimmings or embroidery. Pay attention to the quality of the end where you hold or the strap.

I was London and inspired by this very affecting vision. In the rain, there was this very elegant lady, who wore black low heel boots and a beige coat with a misty grey scarf. Her umbrella was beige & brown – very simple and there was no logo. She was huddling under her own umbrella, walking briskly the street, on her way to somewhere.

From there I told myself, never again will I buy silly looking umbrellas, cutesy, any umbrella with patterns, or with logos. I don’t want any umbrella with brand names, store names, promotional messages.

I will also have umbrellas to match my outfit – though not too obviously. Simple colors or lines with Creme, Black, Navy blue will do well for me.

Jewelry

If you have the real thing, use it! Do not be too precious with it. Do not store them up at home and take them out once a year. If they are appropriate, wear them daily. Take care of them and remember to send them for cleaning daily. Get accustom to a little luxury that is rightfully yours.

If you are buying precious jewelry, buy the finest instead of the biggest.

To wear a big diamond on your finger is a statement telling everyone that you have a lot of money – it is almost vulgar.

I think its best to buy jewelry proportionate to your size of your finger, wrist, neck, torso etc.

Generally speaking, it is not wrong to wear a big expensive jewelry if it does reflect your taste and circumstances. This is also a reflection of your personality, lifestyle and daily activities.

Rings

They are outfits ‘accents’ so it is suggested to wear more than one ring on each hand unless it is the engagement ring and wedding ring in a set together.

Traditionally speaking, it is tasteful to wear diamonds only in the evening and at night time, because that is when it is the sparkliest – which was the basis of why diamonds are so precious.

The only diamond that is perfectly acceptable to wear all day is a diamond ring and that is usually assumed to be your engagement ring.

Since your wedding band and engagement ring are often worn together and with an expectation of wearing them for a lifetime, it is fundamental that you choose carefully and not compromise for anything!

There are some beautiful matching sets at good jewelers.

Necklaces

A staple in every wardrobe: – A silver pendant, classic length
– A silver necklace that is thicker and longer (to give that elongated neck impression)
– A single strand of pearls
– A double or triple strand of pearls

Lingerie

It used to include undergarments as well, but now when we mention lingerie, we think of something we wear to bed.

Invest in your lingerie. Good lingerie will hold your body well, make your clothes look good on you. You can always tell when someone is not wearing a good set, you’ll see lines, weird body portions that do not move or look as stiff as an armor plate. Straps don’t hold as they should, they keep slipping or the strapless ones cause the top to sag. The body suffers looking out of shape.

It is important to have different sets appropriate for your types of clothes.

The basics that you should have are lingerie of nude and black color, one to wear under tight fitting tops which should be seamless, a good strapless bra for evening wear, various cuts of your underwear to prevent VPL (visible panty lines)

Also, beware of the constructed brassiere that look as solid as egg cartons. It does not look natural and can be distasteful. While the Wonderbra can be used to correct your body proportions, it seems that elegant women are determined to not fake as much as possible, so use only if you really have to.

Perfume

It is very elegant to have a signature scent.

Scent is very powerful in evoking emotions, memories. The choice of perfume is often a reflection of a woman’s personality. Sometimes it is also because of the way the perfume is presented, in a very alluring bottle, the way it is advertised, a nostalgic memory associated with the scent, or because it was a special gift.

The tradition of having your toilet water, perfume, hand-soap, bath salts, dusting powder, drawer liners, air diffusers and even sachets to make a room or cupboard smell nice all scented with the same perfume may be outmoded or impossible by the variety of complex scents, though I think it is a worthy elegant goal.

Perhaps it is a lot simpler to stick to one obvious scent instead of a blend. For instance, my mother loves the scent of lavender. She has lavender bath soap, air diffuser, perfume sachets for the car, lavender scented power and moisturizer.